You know, there's one surefire way to really piss me off. Like one REALLY good way to just cut to the chase and ask for a bloody nose. That one way would be to lie to me.
Seriously, I cannot stand people who lie and I especially cannot stand it from fake, stupid people who act one way to your face but honestly don't really feel that way about you.
I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. One of them being that I tried to make friends online. Granted, there are STILL a lot of people in my life that I've met online that I still like and wish to know more and maybe some day meet them in the real world. But one person in particular that I've met online has basically reeled me into being suspicious of EVERYONE I've become acquainted with via some online means. It's just so easy to lie when you're behind a computer screen. Lying and being completely honest come 100 times easier than they would in real life. You can open up to people online much more than you can talking face to face because there isn't that immediate pressure that someone is going to judge you. It's easier to do since there's a protective barrier between you and the other person. But it's also a lot easier to lie. It's a lot easier to hide your feelings and it's a lot easier to just...trick someone into believing something about you.
I met someone online that I really liked. Probably better than I've liked a lot of people. Granted, I kind of developed "pedestal syndrome" with this person. I tend to do this sometimes. It has only really happened with one other person in my life and it wasn't too disastrous. I just ended up drooling after a boy for three years that solely ended up being gay and a humongous drug addict. After I realized who this person was the pedestal just crumbled. It wasn't even his homosexuality. Because being this person's friend was enough for me. It was the fact that he let multiple chemicals rule his life, steal his intelligence and his health. I can't respect someone like that. Someone that hurts themselves and others by the way they act. So after that first pedestal syndrome episode, I wasn't intending on doing that with anyone else. Until I met this previously mentioned friend. The thing is, I saw so much good in this person. I saw so much sunshine, so much sweetness, so much love in this person. I cared for this person more than I cared about anyone else because they were the first person that I'd met in a long time that was a legitimately good person. I'm not saying that I was wrong. I still think he's a relatively nice person. The thing is, that he just doesn't want to be nice to me.
I'd much rather someone tell me, "I really don't give a crap about you, you don't mean shit to me and I don't really want to be close with you. End of story" than lie to me and play this sick back and forth game where some days we're cool and some we're not. And then to go ahead and lie to me as to not hurt my feelings? I've just basically had enough. I was REALLY good to this person too. And I think that's what hurts the most. I really put a lot of effort into making this person happy and loving on this person. Eff it.
I'm tired and I'm really upset. From now on I'm not going to bother anyone. If they want to talk to me then they can do that. I'm just not going to tolerate this anymore. I AM planning on writing a little something for all of the days I've missed. Please stay tuned for that. Otherwise I'm cutting this short. I'm just so mad right now. Sorry for the grumpiness.
End Day 82
Friday, November 12, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Day Seventy-Eight: It's A Long Way to the Top If You Want...an Orange?
7:30 AM and so begins the week from hell. Granted, since I've started here at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette, there have been many many hellacious weeks and I'm SURE there are entirely too many more to come. Since graduating into upper division I've felt that certain heavy weight upon my shoulders that other upper division students that have come before me have described. There is a massive difference between junior division and upper division at university. And little by little it is killing me. I do not look forward to learning how medical school will turn out for me. I would like to keep positive by imagining that everyone just SAYS it's very difficult and it ends up being...SURPRISE! A total blow off everyday. Medical school SEEMS like one of those things that people would make sound really difficult just to deter the entire population from applying to medical school. But I won't be deterred.
So far today, I have woken up 30 minutes early, something that you never ever ask an upper division psychology major to do. We need our sleep since we are the ONLY major here at the university that actually pulls our weight. I like to laugh at the art majors on campus carrying around their larger than life portfolios in their indie rock fashions and their brightly colored hair. Ha! I laugh at you! You sit in a studio 24/7 and draw! I wish I could do that all day long. Make arts and crafts and have sex with all my teachers and smoke weed. That would be amazing. But I can't. Because you see children, I actually use my brain on a daily basis. At 10:00 in the morning I'm speaking French, by 12:00 I've completed another chapter in Statistics AND taught it to my tutoring students as well. 1:00 I'm in biology lecture which is two hours long. And that's only Monday, Wednesday, Friday. On Tuesday and Thursday I have defended my sanity and my hypotheses, and put up with the ramblings of a completely mad psychology professor in Adolescent Psych by lunchtime. Thursday specifically I get up at 6:00 AM to go down to the biology lab and spend hours researching and writing up lab reports. And they ask me why I don't have a social life? Please. If any of you are youngins, and have not yet had the pleasures of attending university...please be forewarned that when you walk into university with a major like psychology or philosophy, English or history...you are inherently handing over your social life to the greater education system. "Here you go university! Here is everything that ever made me happy in exchange for unrelenting torture. You may have ALL of my money and sanity for the next four years and possibly some time after that if I'm enough of a lunatic by the time you're finished with me!"
This morning in particular I sacrificed my 30 minutes to meet with my bio lab instructor. Ted is one of those guys that has been annoying, irresponsible, poor at managing time and an overall out of left field kind of biology instructor. A girl that I have become quite chummy with in recent days, Carolyn, and I have concluded that Ted is somewhere between the ages of 25 and 30. And is only a graduate student himself. And thus has no REAL authority over us. But he's one of those guys you can't hate. He's very cute, by physical standpoints and he's awkward. Which to me is really cute as well. I love awkwardness. It induces "huggles" within me. So I literally could not hate him when he failed to show up for our meeting this morning. I was perturbed, yes, that I was gipped out of 30 minutes of sleep...again....a crime punishable by death if you do it to an upper division psychology major. But Ted gets waived of his crime I think. Now I have even MORE leverage to get him to let me turn those lab reports in late because my father was sick in the hospital.
So I scampered off to French class to observe the other students' presentations. This presentation that I must preform on Wednesday is the bane of my existence right now. Any opportunity I can take to NOT make a complete ass out of myself in front of a large group of people in a foreign language I am going to take. And since one of the people in my group is a difficult little shit it's almost impossible to produce a good product. I am doing my part. The other girl in my group is trying her best but she works two jobs and makes it impossible for us to meet and practice. The other member of our group, a boy named Chris, has decided to be MIA for the rest of the class apparently and so now our script has to be completely revised to cut out the 3rd person. I swear to God if he decides to show up on Wednesday morning I am going to skin him alive. I take academics way too seriously unfortunately for him. And Stephanie and I are just going to do the entire presentation by ourselves and then beat him up after class. Seriously man, if 3 desperate emails isn't enough to provoke you to care about this presentation then you deserve a bloody nose. Note to readers: I really don't beat people up. I am very level-headed and composed in real life. In my mind I like to punch people in the face. It helps me deal with the flaming assholes I seem to run into everywhere I go. From what I can see the presentation shouldn't be THAT difficult but it's still something I don't really want to do. It's like getting immunizations. You don't really WANT to be held down by total strangers and jabbed with a sharp object...BUT you have to do it. Yes. That is a very good analogy. I definitely can liken this presentation to being jabbed with pointy metal object against your own free will. Love it.
So somewhere between French class and Statistics I get an email from Ted apologizing for not making our meeting and if I could meet him tomorrow before 11:00. I just had to put my foot down. Tuesday is my ONLY happy day out of the entire week. I can go to bed at 2:00 AM on Monday nights and still get plenty enough rest for Tuesday because class doesn't start until 12:30. All right, I know if I really wanted to I could probably get my ass out of bed and go to see him before 11. But here's the thing. I have SO much work to do tonight. And I was planning on using this wonderful 2:00 AM bedtime to finish all that work that I need to do. So no. I will admit. I totally lied to him about not being able to make it. But then I realized, fuck it, I don't really NEED to meet with him I could just tell him in the email what I want. Now...I understand that face to face interaction is key for these kinds of things. Begging on due dates for assignments. But I'm sorry that my life just doesn't fit perfectly into his schedule.
Between French and Statistics I remembered that I forgot my snack. This "snack" is absolutely vital to my overall productivity for the day. Since the school year started I am 30 lbs lighter. But believe me that weight didn't come off because I'm magic. That weight came off through hard work and determination. Eating healthier. Eating less. Eating at the appropriate times. Exercising. It was excruciating. However. Now this new eating plan has become my lifestyle. And I stick to it. Depending on what my schedule is for that day, I will usually have breakfast in the morning before I go to class. Then between classes I will have my snack. Then I will either go home for lunch or bring my lunch with me to campus. Then I start making dinner around 6:00 and have that anywhere from 7:00 to 9:00 at night. So you see the importance of the snack. It is the small little "help me up" between breakfast and lunch. That extra power booster that keeps my brain from wandering off into LooneyLand. I vacation there quite frequently. Just not during school. I also strategically plan out my meals for the week on a chart that hangs on my refrigerator. Yes, my friends DO make fun of me. They think I'm completely anal retentive and off my rocker but....at least I'VE achieved results. This "chart" format has helped me immensely. It has helped me pick the right foods and has alleviated the sudden panic that you get when you're on a diet and you suddenly realize you don't know what to cook for yourself. Being the busy person I am, this meal chart really really helps me to not overeat and to leave the rest of the week for thinking about schoolwork and friends rather than what I'm going to eat. Because let's face it. We all have to eat. And since I cannot just run down to the nearest McDonald's and have a burger (which is completely against my current eating philosophy) I NEED a plan. I usually make this chart on Sunday night so that the rest of the week is planned out.
Well I had planned to eat an orange today for snack. Oranges are good by the way. I usually pick fruits for my snacks because it has enough "roughage" to hold me over until lunch. Roughage is a word my doctor uses to describe the way that fruits and vegetables fill you up lol. I love her. So when I realized that I forgot my orange in the refrigerator, I had a mini panic attack. My thought-process was literally "Oh no...I don't want to go to LooneyLand!" So I remembered that the Food Court sold apples and oranges in their "Healthy Foods" section. This is a cooler filled with questionable vegetables and fruits and premade salads and sandwiches. Said cooler is surrounded by many other vendors selling fried chicken, greasy pizza, french fries, breadsticks, pasta bowls with rich sauce, and chicken wings. This is why I typically avoid the Food Court at all costs. I knew I had to be quick...otherwise....Evil Overeating Katie was going to come out and I would totally spend my money on a chicken sandwich. No. No Katie. Orange. Orange and juice. Stick with the program. Well I ended up spending about ehhh...30 more minutes in the Food Court than I wanted to. I made for the cooler and clung to it like a shining safe beacon in a room full of sword-toting ninjas. I chose my orange wisely, picked out a pineapple juice and adopted the nearest line. Let me just make a few comments on how my university's food court is set up.
Small vending room with a Chick-Fil-A, a Pizza Hut, Health Food Cooler and a Sushi Bar. Also includes, coffee maker, slushie machine (that is always broken) and a fountain drink machine. Running through this room are three check-out lines. There used to be two. One for cash and one for card. Well all of a sudden they decided to mix it up on us. They added a NEW line completely out of left field. We don't really know what this line is for. It's supposed to be for "alleviating traffic in the food court at rush hour". Yes but....that would be wonderful if the rules of the lines were clear! If there was ONE specific line for cash and ONE specific line for Card and then the third line be like...overflow and accept any kind of payment....well then sure! But no. They change the lines everyday with what kind of payment they accept. And there are NO SIGNS indicating which line is which. It's like a complete wonderful guessing game. And the lines are monstrous! Like out the door monstrous. So God forbid you get in line somewhere and it's the WRONG LINE. The other day, I picked a line and sat in it for 25 minutes. I get up there and the guy is like "This is a no cash line". THANK GOD I happened to have a little money left on my card because if not I would have had to GET OUT OF LINE and go start at the end somewhere else. So today I was determined to get in the right line. I got in the overflow line and asked the girl in front of me if she knew if this was cash or card. She looked at me like I had just asked her if I could keep her first born child and proceeded to ask everyone in the line what kind of line this was. Which started a panic amongst the rest of the students like "omg are we in the wrong line?" I swear to GOD some people act like LIVESTOCK. So I stood on my tip toes and saw that some people were paying with card in the overflow line and looked over at the other line and saw that some people were paying with cash. I quickly slid over to the other line completely taking out two really awkward guys trying to get in line. I felt like saying "Look. All I want is a fucking orange. I've been in line for 20 minutes already. Let me just get my fruit and go on my way! This is a very serious situation. If I don't get this orange I am going to go to Looneyland and you DO NOT want that to happen" And you know..this is the BEST part. The CASH ONLY line that I got into today was the EXACT SAME LINE that told me they only accept card last week. I think..they just like to fuck with us. I think that's the purpose of the food court's life. To make us late for class and flustered.
I ate my orange in not so complete peace in the study hall in the math building. Every time I sit in that study hall there are the same people in there. Three math majors that stare at me like they want to have vigorous sex with me the entire time. They just stare. YES. I am a woman. And YES. I have large breasts. It's not my fault. Leave me alone! There's the awkward Chinese math tutor that also looks at my breasts but is less blatant about it. And then there's my friend Kelly..who is a boy...who always sits NEAR me but never like...next to me because I'm a girl and he's afraid I might rip off my clothes any second and try to seduce him. All of these people seem to be related to my breasts. So when I sit in math study hall I feel naked. I've gotten used to this.
I didn't do as well on my Statistics test as I thought. My Stat professor made this very clear to me by saying "wha happen?" in his Chinese accent. Look man...I got a B! That's not bad! Just because I didn't get an A doesn't mean that I'm completely fucked in your class. Don't go pulling a "my father" on me. My dad used to do that shit all the time. Like getting a B is a bad mark. I missed 16 points because I didn't input something into the calculator correctly. My process was completely right, I just didn't put the numbers in correctly. And so I felt like retorting to him..."Wha happen? Why you take seesteen point off mah ezam fo dat?" But I refrained. I would like to keep all of my limbs intact for today.
I think new friends are such confusing things. I don't ever remember being this confused with my now old friends when we first started out. I don't know what it is but I'm having so much trouble with new friends. At school I have a few new friends. Britney, Britney, Carolyn, Stephanie, Britni, Theresa, Crystal. It's weird. Because I think that given the opportunity we get along really well. And when we're in class they make conversation with me and it's not as if it's just back and forth silly banter. I mean...they TELL me things and they give me their opinions on things and we joke so much that our sides split and I'm thinking "these people are my friends". And then you'll come to class one week and they won't talk to you. It's like "nevermind I don't want to be your friend." And so you go that week thinking, "Ok I guess we're not friends anymore. How sad". And THEN the next week you come to class and they're all up on you again like nothing ever happened. Like they didn't just ignore you for a whole week. This is behavior that I have been witnessing in A LOT of people lately. Not just my friends in real life either. I guess that's just not me. I don't tell people that they mean something to me and then blow them off. I guess friendship whether it be physical or virtual MEANS a lot to me. I was never that kid with A LOT of friends. Friends came few and far between for me and so they were never disposable. I never thought of "Oh I just lost ONE friend it's no big deal, I have 80 more". Even if I DID have 80 friends it wouldn't be "no big deal" for me to lose one. And when I DO lose a friend it's like losing a piece of me. I don't know if I'm in the wrong here. Because today one of these previously listed friends came and plopped herself down RIGHT next to me in biology lecture and talked to me the entire time. I was shocked. This person and I haven't spoken for weeks. Why the hell would she want to be buds now? I don't get it. This does not compute. I don't know if I have an issue with comfort level or not. Like...if I'm just assuming these people really want to be my friend but they really don't. I'm a pretty logical person. Pretty sane as much as I act insane. I can tell you right now that their behavior does not elicit the "They don't want to be friends" response. So I'm wondering if these people are just shallow assholes? Well. Not all of them. Because not all of them have done this before. Some of them have used me in the past but I don't think it was intentional. But that's been a thing that people have been saying to me my whole life. It seems like ALMOST EVERY person that I get close to ends up being an ass. And when I tell people, "Oh so and so did this to me", people always say, "Don't worry, Katie they're just asses." So....if I'm correct.....98% of the people I've met in my life have been asses? Is that the statistic? Well....call me optimistic but that doesn't sound right. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.
I get attached to people really easily. I love people. As bitter and obnoxiously cynical as I am, I do love people. I can pretty much find something desirable about everyone. And I work really hard to make others happy. Because that makes ME happy when other people are happy. I love doing things for people. I love random acts of kindness. I love making people's day. And maybe that kindness can either come off as fake or overwhelming. I don't mean to be that way. It's just who I am. I know I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again. The fonder I am of someone the more they shy away from me. It breaks my heart really bad and makes me cry and overeat. And for some reason the more I dislike someone the more they LIKE me and want to rub up against me all the time and want to be near me all the time and want to talk to me all the time. It's like....LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU ARE NOT A VERY NICE PERSON AND YOU SAY MEAN THINGS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND YOU SMELL AND YOU'RE LAZY AND I DO NOT LIKE YOUR COMPANY. HUMPH!
*sighs* It's getting late. And I have much to do. This is how my day has ended. I made homemade from scratch vegetable/chicken soup when I got home because it's getting cold outside and cold weather provokes me to act like my grandmother apparently. It's delicious. Spicy. But delicious. Now I will spend the remainder of the evening writing papers, blogs, scripts, and novels. Lots and lots of writing.
Au revoir children.
End Day 78
So far today, I have woken up 30 minutes early, something that you never ever ask an upper division psychology major to do. We need our sleep since we are the ONLY major here at the university that actually pulls our weight. I like to laugh at the art majors on campus carrying around their larger than life portfolios in their indie rock fashions and their brightly colored hair. Ha! I laugh at you! You sit in a studio 24/7 and draw! I wish I could do that all day long. Make arts and crafts and have sex with all my teachers and smoke weed. That would be amazing. But I can't. Because you see children, I actually use my brain on a daily basis. At 10:00 in the morning I'm speaking French, by 12:00 I've completed another chapter in Statistics AND taught it to my tutoring students as well. 1:00 I'm in biology lecture which is two hours long. And that's only Monday, Wednesday, Friday. On Tuesday and Thursday I have defended my sanity and my hypotheses, and put up with the ramblings of a completely mad psychology professor in Adolescent Psych by lunchtime. Thursday specifically I get up at 6:00 AM to go down to the biology lab and spend hours researching and writing up lab reports. And they ask me why I don't have a social life? Please. If any of you are youngins, and have not yet had the pleasures of attending university...please be forewarned that when you walk into university with a major like psychology or philosophy, English or history...you are inherently handing over your social life to the greater education system. "Here you go university! Here is everything that ever made me happy in exchange for unrelenting torture. You may have ALL of my money and sanity for the next four years and possibly some time after that if I'm enough of a lunatic by the time you're finished with me!"
This morning in particular I sacrificed my 30 minutes to meet with my bio lab instructor. Ted is one of those guys that has been annoying, irresponsible, poor at managing time and an overall out of left field kind of biology instructor. A girl that I have become quite chummy with in recent days, Carolyn, and I have concluded that Ted is somewhere between the ages of 25 and 30. And is only a graduate student himself. And thus has no REAL authority over us. But he's one of those guys you can't hate. He's very cute, by physical standpoints and he's awkward. Which to me is really cute as well. I love awkwardness. It induces "huggles" within me. So I literally could not hate him when he failed to show up for our meeting this morning. I was perturbed, yes, that I was gipped out of 30 minutes of sleep...again....a crime punishable by death if you do it to an upper division psychology major. But Ted gets waived of his crime I think. Now I have even MORE leverage to get him to let me turn those lab reports in late because my father was sick in the hospital.
So I scampered off to French class to observe the other students' presentations. This presentation that I must preform on Wednesday is the bane of my existence right now. Any opportunity I can take to NOT make a complete ass out of myself in front of a large group of people in a foreign language I am going to take. And since one of the people in my group is a difficult little shit it's almost impossible to produce a good product. I am doing my part. The other girl in my group is trying her best but she works two jobs and makes it impossible for us to meet and practice. The other member of our group, a boy named Chris, has decided to be MIA for the rest of the class apparently and so now our script has to be completely revised to cut out the 3rd person. I swear to God if he decides to show up on Wednesday morning I am going to skin him alive. I take academics way too seriously unfortunately for him. And Stephanie and I are just going to do the entire presentation by ourselves and then beat him up after class. Seriously man, if 3 desperate emails isn't enough to provoke you to care about this presentation then you deserve a bloody nose. Note to readers: I really don't beat people up. I am very level-headed and composed in real life. In my mind I like to punch people in the face. It helps me deal with the flaming assholes I seem to run into everywhere I go. From what I can see the presentation shouldn't be THAT difficult but it's still something I don't really want to do. It's like getting immunizations. You don't really WANT to be held down by total strangers and jabbed with a sharp object...BUT you have to do it. Yes. That is a very good analogy. I definitely can liken this presentation to being jabbed with pointy metal object against your own free will. Love it.
So somewhere between French class and Statistics I get an email from Ted apologizing for not making our meeting and if I could meet him tomorrow before 11:00. I just had to put my foot down. Tuesday is my ONLY happy day out of the entire week. I can go to bed at 2:00 AM on Monday nights and still get plenty enough rest for Tuesday because class doesn't start until 12:30. All right, I know if I really wanted to I could probably get my ass out of bed and go to see him before 11. But here's the thing. I have SO much work to do tonight. And I was planning on using this wonderful 2:00 AM bedtime to finish all that work that I need to do. So no. I will admit. I totally lied to him about not being able to make it. But then I realized, fuck it, I don't really NEED to meet with him I could just tell him in the email what I want. Now...I understand that face to face interaction is key for these kinds of things. Begging on due dates for assignments. But I'm sorry that my life just doesn't fit perfectly into his schedule.
Between French and Statistics I remembered that I forgot my snack. This "snack" is absolutely vital to my overall productivity for the day. Since the school year started I am 30 lbs lighter. But believe me that weight didn't come off because I'm magic. That weight came off through hard work and determination. Eating healthier. Eating less. Eating at the appropriate times. Exercising. It was excruciating. However. Now this new eating plan has become my lifestyle. And I stick to it. Depending on what my schedule is for that day, I will usually have breakfast in the morning before I go to class. Then between classes I will have my snack. Then I will either go home for lunch or bring my lunch with me to campus. Then I start making dinner around 6:00 and have that anywhere from 7:00 to 9:00 at night. So you see the importance of the snack. It is the small little "help me up" between breakfast and lunch. That extra power booster that keeps my brain from wandering off into LooneyLand. I vacation there quite frequently. Just not during school. I also strategically plan out my meals for the week on a chart that hangs on my refrigerator. Yes, my friends DO make fun of me. They think I'm completely anal retentive and off my rocker but....at least I'VE achieved results. This "chart" format has helped me immensely. It has helped me pick the right foods and has alleviated the sudden panic that you get when you're on a diet and you suddenly realize you don't know what to cook for yourself. Being the busy person I am, this meal chart really really helps me to not overeat and to leave the rest of the week for thinking about schoolwork and friends rather than what I'm going to eat. Because let's face it. We all have to eat. And since I cannot just run down to the nearest McDonald's and have a burger (which is completely against my current eating philosophy) I NEED a plan. I usually make this chart on Sunday night so that the rest of the week is planned out.
Well I had planned to eat an orange today for snack. Oranges are good by the way. I usually pick fruits for my snacks because it has enough "roughage" to hold me over until lunch. Roughage is a word my doctor uses to describe the way that fruits and vegetables fill you up lol. I love her. So when I realized that I forgot my orange in the refrigerator, I had a mini panic attack. My thought-process was literally "Oh no...I don't want to go to LooneyLand!" So I remembered that the Food Court sold apples and oranges in their "Healthy Foods" section. This is a cooler filled with questionable vegetables and fruits and premade salads and sandwiches. Said cooler is surrounded by many other vendors selling fried chicken, greasy pizza, french fries, breadsticks, pasta bowls with rich sauce, and chicken wings. This is why I typically avoid the Food Court at all costs. I knew I had to be quick...otherwise....Evil Overeating Katie was going to come out and I would totally spend my money on a chicken sandwich. No. No Katie. Orange. Orange and juice. Stick with the program. Well I ended up spending about ehhh...30 more minutes in the Food Court than I wanted to. I made for the cooler and clung to it like a shining safe beacon in a room full of sword-toting ninjas. I chose my orange wisely, picked out a pineapple juice and adopted the nearest line. Let me just make a few comments on how my university's food court is set up.
Small vending room with a Chick-Fil-A, a Pizza Hut, Health Food Cooler and a Sushi Bar. Also includes, coffee maker, slushie machine (that is always broken) and a fountain drink machine. Running through this room are three check-out lines. There used to be two. One for cash and one for card. Well all of a sudden they decided to mix it up on us. They added a NEW line completely out of left field. We don't really know what this line is for. It's supposed to be for "alleviating traffic in the food court at rush hour". Yes but....that would be wonderful if the rules of the lines were clear! If there was ONE specific line for cash and ONE specific line for Card and then the third line be like...overflow and accept any kind of payment....well then sure! But no. They change the lines everyday with what kind of payment they accept. And there are NO SIGNS indicating which line is which. It's like a complete wonderful guessing game. And the lines are monstrous! Like out the door monstrous. So God forbid you get in line somewhere and it's the WRONG LINE. The other day, I picked a line and sat in it for 25 minutes. I get up there and the guy is like "This is a no cash line". THANK GOD I happened to have a little money left on my card because if not I would have had to GET OUT OF LINE and go start at the end somewhere else. So today I was determined to get in the right line. I got in the overflow line and asked the girl in front of me if she knew if this was cash or card. She looked at me like I had just asked her if I could keep her first born child and proceeded to ask everyone in the line what kind of line this was. Which started a panic amongst the rest of the students like "omg are we in the wrong line?" I swear to GOD some people act like LIVESTOCK. So I stood on my tip toes and saw that some people were paying with card in the overflow line and looked over at the other line and saw that some people were paying with cash. I quickly slid over to the other line completely taking out two really awkward guys trying to get in line. I felt like saying "Look. All I want is a fucking orange. I've been in line for 20 minutes already. Let me just get my fruit and go on my way! This is a very serious situation. If I don't get this orange I am going to go to Looneyland and you DO NOT want that to happen" And you know..this is the BEST part. The CASH ONLY line that I got into today was the EXACT SAME LINE that told me they only accept card last week. I think..they just like to fuck with us. I think that's the purpose of the food court's life. To make us late for class and flustered.
I ate my orange in not so complete peace in the study hall in the math building. Every time I sit in that study hall there are the same people in there. Three math majors that stare at me like they want to have vigorous sex with me the entire time. They just stare. YES. I am a woman. And YES. I have large breasts. It's not my fault. Leave me alone! There's the awkward Chinese math tutor that also looks at my breasts but is less blatant about it. And then there's my friend Kelly..who is a boy...who always sits NEAR me but never like...next to me because I'm a girl and he's afraid I might rip off my clothes any second and try to seduce him. All of these people seem to be related to my breasts. So when I sit in math study hall I feel naked. I've gotten used to this.
I didn't do as well on my Statistics test as I thought. My Stat professor made this very clear to me by saying "wha happen?" in his Chinese accent. Look man...I got a B! That's not bad! Just because I didn't get an A doesn't mean that I'm completely fucked in your class. Don't go pulling a "my father" on me. My dad used to do that shit all the time. Like getting a B is a bad mark. I missed 16 points because I didn't input something into the calculator correctly. My process was completely right, I just didn't put the numbers in correctly. And so I felt like retorting to him..."Wha happen? Why you take seesteen point off mah ezam fo dat?" But I refrained. I would like to keep all of my limbs intact for today.
I think new friends are such confusing things. I don't ever remember being this confused with my now old friends when we first started out. I don't know what it is but I'm having so much trouble with new friends. At school I have a few new friends. Britney, Britney, Carolyn, Stephanie, Britni, Theresa, Crystal. It's weird. Because I think that given the opportunity we get along really well. And when we're in class they make conversation with me and it's not as if it's just back and forth silly banter. I mean...they TELL me things and they give me their opinions on things and we joke so much that our sides split and I'm thinking "these people are my friends". And then you'll come to class one week and they won't talk to you. It's like "nevermind I don't want to be your friend." And so you go that week thinking, "Ok I guess we're not friends anymore. How sad". And THEN the next week you come to class and they're all up on you again like nothing ever happened. Like they didn't just ignore you for a whole week. This is behavior that I have been witnessing in A LOT of people lately. Not just my friends in real life either. I guess that's just not me. I don't tell people that they mean something to me and then blow them off. I guess friendship whether it be physical or virtual MEANS a lot to me. I was never that kid with A LOT of friends. Friends came few and far between for me and so they were never disposable. I never thought of "Oh I just lost ONE friend it's no big deal, I have 80 more". Even if I DID have 80 friends it wouldn't be "no big deal" for me to lose one. And when I DO lose a friend it's like losing a piece of me. I don't know if I'm in the wrong here. Because today one of these previously listed friends came and plopped herself down RIGHT next to me in biology lecture and talked to me the entire time. I was shocked. This person and I haven't spoken for weeks. Why the hell would she want to be buds now? I don't get it. This does not compute. I don't know if I have an issue with comfort level or not. Like...if I'm just assuming these people really want to be my friend but they really don't. I'm a pretty logical person. Pretty sane as much as I act insane. I can tell you right now that their behavior does not elicit the "They don't want to be friends" response. So I'm wondering if these people are just shallow assholes? Well. Not all of them. Because not all of them have done this before. Some of them have used me in the past but I don't think it was intentional. But that's been a thing that people have been saying to me my whole life. It seems like ALMOST EVERY person that I get close to ends up being an ass. And when I tell people, "Oh so and so did this to me", people always say, "Don't worry, Katie they're just asses." So....if I'm correct.....98% of the people I've met in my life have been asses? Is that the statistic? Well....call me optimistic but that doesn't sound right. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.
I get attached to people really easily. I love people. As bitter and obnoxiously cynical as I am, I do love people. I can pretty much find something desirable about everyone. And I work really hard to make others happy. Because that makes ME happy when other people are happy. I love doing things for people. I love random acts of kindness. I love making people's day. And maybe that kindness can either come off as fake or overwhelming. I don't mean to be that way. It's just who I am. I know I've mentioned this before but I'll say it again. The fonder I am of someone the more they shy away from me. It breaks my heart really bad and makes me cry and overeat. And for some reason the more I dislike someone the more they LIKE me and want to rub up against me all the time and want to be near me all the time and want to talk to me all the time. It's like....LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU ARE NOT A VERY NICE PERSON AND YOU SAY MEAN THINGS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND YOU SMELL AND YOU'RE LAZY AND I DO NOT LIKE YOUR COMPANY. HUMPH!
*sighs* It's getting late. And I have much to do. This is how my day has ended. I made homemade from scratch vegetable/chicken soup when I got home because it's getting cold outside and cold weather provokes me to act like my grandmother apparently. It's delicious. Spicy. But delicious. Now I will spend the remainder of the evening writing papers, blogs, scripts, and novels. Lots and lots of writing.
Au revoir children.
End Day 78
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Day Sixty-Five: Used
I would like to start off by saying that I am "that friend". That friend that's ALWAYS there when you need her, that's always the emotional support, the one that's always bleeding all over the place, spilling her blood and guts and money and time for everyone and anyone who needs it. Your dad's in the hospital? No problem! Here's a lasagna for you and your family that I baked! You don't have money for lunch? No problem! Here's $10! You're cold? Oh here! Take my jacket! I'm THAT person. That throws themselves under the bus for people to make them happy. But here's the thing that makes me mad. Whenever the random event occurs that *I* actually need someone....that I'M actually suffering....everyone scatters. Look, I don't do things for people with the expectation that I'm going to get something back. That would be stupid. But I'm not going to lie, it annoys me when I let someone borrow money a few times and they never pay me back and then when I need like....a $1 for a hamburger because I'm out of food for the month, no one has a dollar. Like it's the hardest thing to come by.
Today my dad got admitted to the hospital. I know. My sister yesterday, my dad today. This seems to be a test. God does that. He's really big on pop quizzes. So the deal was, this weekend I was supposed to come into town to be with my family and friends for Halloween. Not that Halloween is like some religious holiday (well ok it is for some people but I generally try to avoid interacting with said people), but it's a holiday nonetheless and my friends and I had plans. Lots of plans. Movie marathons, candy, good eats, playing with fire maybe? I don't know...whatever we tend to do Halloween weekend. So since I do not have a vehicle, my dad was supposed to come get me Friday after class and my mom was going to bring me back Monday morning since I would probably be crashed out on a sugar high Sunday night. That's what happened last year. Nicole and I watched Halloween on Ice, pelted candy at her neighbors, decorated the house and ate a shit load of candy and watched Tru Blood until the wee hours of the morning. I believe I ate too many Harry Potter themed candies and my sugar crash started around 3 in the morning. See? I'm still 16 years old. Screw this being 21 thing. But now, obviously because my father is having a heart episode again, he can't come get me.
Well immediately after I received the call that my father was in the hospital I forgot all my plans. I was like "that's it"....I HAVE to go home for a different reason now. If my father hadn't specifically asked me to stay in school this week and not come home early, I would be on the road NOW some way somehow. But I NEEDED a ride home. I called every person in my phone book, put out a plea on Facebook, no one replied. And then...some people...not naming names had the AUDACITY to tell me that it was no big deal. They were like, "Oh Katie it's not a big deal. We don't know what's wrong with your father right now....he might be ok." And I just wanted to scream "I FUCKING HATE YOU. I DON'T CARE IF MY FATHER IS IN THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE HE HAS A BRUISE. I WANT TO FUCKING SEE HIM BECAUSE HE'S 65 YEARS OLD AND HE'S NOT THE HEALTHIEST PERSON ALIVE AND I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE THE LAST TIME I SEE HIM! OK BITCH????" Like literally I was so disgusted. And this is one of those people that my family has been there for for AGES and it's like, "Wow, you can't even do this one thing for me?" I mean even if she wouldn't have been able to bring me back, don't tell me that I'm overreacting or being stupid or use that tone with me like I'm the biggest jackass who ever called you. Some people just have NO social graces. Like NONE whatsoever. And then a few members of my extended family chewed me out for asking them for a ride home. It's like, "I know that your side of the family is divorcing his but really...have a heart." I just get really frustrated because I never need anyone. I never ask anyone for anything. I'm the kind of person that feels BAD when I ask for something or when someone gives something to me. But when I do ask for something you know it's because I really need it. And I hate people that act like I'm the biggest turd in the world for asking them for something when all THEY do is ask me for things and ask me for support and help. It just riles me. Well. I did get a ride. From my friend Heath. Yes, my cockroach killer. He has been SUCH the moral support for me in the last few months, doing things for me that apparently "normal" people won't do because they are so cold-hearted. I would have paid anyone gas money to do it....but Heath is so charitable. He has the biggest award waiting for him when he dies. I'm telling you. He's like a saint. I'm so lucky to have him in my life.
I just...I just have no faith in people. I mean there aren't that many Heaths in this world that would just do anything for you at any time. I mean literally there's maybe ONE in 100. Heath and I are from the same cloth in that respect. There are a lot of things that I simply CAN'T do for people since I don't have a car. It isn't that I don't want to or that every fiber in my body isn't screaming to be able to be there for that person or do what that person needs. It's just that I can't. Physically. And now that my sister almost got killed last night I'm not sure if I WANT a car now. Seriously, people need to take driving a little bit more serious because it isn't a game. I know Lanie didn't really do anything wrong last night. I mean, you're not supposed to swerve for animals unless it's going to kill you like...a cow....or something...but seriously...she really didn't do anything wrong. She just reacted to something and like she said, "You literally have .5 seconds to decide what you're going to do."
Anyway, I've been being used lately. As I said in a previous entry, titled "No More Miss Nice Girl", I have this issue where I let people walk all over me. I met this girl over summer school in math class. She was really nice and she sat in front of me and we always talked. Well she ended up in my stat class this semester. And right away she started not coming to class and asking me to sign her in and get notes for her. So I went through all this trouble like, getting notes for her, scanning them into my computer and printing them out for her....just...so much shit. She missed like 3 weeks of class just because she didn't want to come and the whole time she expected me to give her notes and take care of her. I hate that shit. Well she actually didn't take the last test and opted to drop it since my teacher lets us drop the lowest score. After I nearly killed myself getting all those notes for her she just didn't take it. Then she starts missing class AGAIN after the second test and the day she misses class I get a text from her "Hey can you sign me in? I'll get the notes from you later on tonight." I literally gritted my teeth and was like. "No you really won't bitch." I almost got in trouble the other day for signing her in when she wasn't there.
There's another ass in my biology class that was sick and she missed a lot of notes. So I sent them to her because it's no big deal. But now it's like...she doesn't come to class on purpose because she knows that I'm going to send her the notes. Like...she's not sick because she's in my psychology class and I see her all the time. It's just like...she can't be bothered to come to class because her little note-taker bitch, Katie will get all the notes for her. I just HATE that shit. People take SUCH advantage of me. I'm really really wearing thin these days.
I just want to punch someone in the face. Like for real. I guess I really should get some sleep.
End Day 65
Today my dad got admitted to the hospital. I know. My sister yesterday, my dad today. This seems to be a test. God does that. He's really big on pop quizzes. So the deal was, this weekend I was supposed to come into town to be with my family and friends for Halloween. Not that Halloween is like some religious holiday (well ok it is for some people but I generally try to avoid interacting with said people), but it's a holiday nonetheless and my friends and I had plans. Lots of plans. Movie marathons, candy, good eats, playing with fire maybe? I don't know...whatever we tend to do Halloween weekend. So since I do not have a vehicle, my dad was supposed to come get me Friday after class and my mom was going to bring me back Monday morning since I would probably be crashed out on a sugar high Sunday night. That's what happened last year. Nicole and I watched Halloween on Ice, pelted candy at her neighbors, decorated the house and ate a shit load of candy and watched Tru Blood until the wee hours of the morning. I believe I ate too many Harry Potter themed candies and my sugar crash started around 3 in the morning. See? I'm still 16 years old. Screw this being 21 thing. But now, obviously because my father is having a heart episode again, he can't come get me.
Well immediately after I received the call that my father was in the hospital I forgot all my plans. I was like "that's it"....I HAVE to go home for a different reason now. If my father hadn't specifically asked me to stay in school this week and not come home early, I would be on the road NOW some way somehow. But I NEEDED a ride home. I called every person in my phone book, put out a plea on Facebook, no one replied. And then...some people...not naming names had the AUDACITY to tell me that it was no big deal. They were like, "Oh Katie it's not a big deal. We don't know what's wrong with your father right now....he might be ok." And I just wanted to scream "I FUCKING HATE YOU. I DON'T CARE IF MY FATHER IS IN THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE HE HAS A BRUISE. I WANT TO FUCKING SEE HIM BECAUSE HE'S 65 YEARS OLD AND HE'S NOT THE HEALTHIEST PERSON ALIVE AND I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE THE LAST TIME I SEE HIM! OK BITCH????" Like literally I was so disgusted. And this is one of those people that my family has been there for for AGES and it's like, "Wow, you can't even do this one thing for me?" I mean even if she wouldn't have been able to bring me back, don't tell me that I'm overreacting or being stupid or use that tone with me like I'm the biggest jackass who ever called you. Some people just have NO social graces. Like NONE whatsoever. And then a few members of my extended family chewed me out for asking them for a ride home. It's like, "I know that your side of the family is divorcing his but really...have a heart." I just get really frustrated because I never need anyone. I never ask anyone for anything. I'm the kind of person that feels BAD when I ask for something or when someone gives something to me. But when I do ask for something you know it's because I really need it. And I hate people that act like I'm the biggest turd in the world for asking them for something when all THEY do is ask me for things and ask me for support and help. It just riles me. Well. I did get a ride. From my friend Heath. Yes, my cockroach killer. He has been SUCH the moral support for me in the last few months, doing things for me that apparently "normal" people won't do because they are so cold-hearted. I would have paid anyone gas money to do it....but Heath is so charitable. He has the biggest award waiting for him when he dies. I'm telling you. He's like a saint. I'm so lucky to have him in my life.
I just...I just have no faith in people. I mean there aren't that many Heaths in this world that would just do anything for you at any time. I mean literally there's maybe ONE in 100. Heath and I are from the same cloth in that respect. There are a lot of things that I simply CAN'T do for people since I don't have a car. It isn't that I don't want to or that every fiber in my body isn't screaming to be able to be there for that person or do what that person needs. It's just that I can't. Physically. And now that my sister almost got killed last night I'm not sure if I WANT a car now. Seriously, people need to take driving a little bit more serious because it isn't a game. I know Lanie didn't really do anything wrong last night. I mean, you're not supposed to swerve for animals unless it's going to kill you like...a cow....or something...but seriously...she really didn't do anything wrong. She just reacted to something and like she said, "You literally have .5 seconds to decide what you're going to do."
Anyway, I've been being used lately. As I said in a previous entry, titled "No More Miss Nice Girl", I have this issue where I let people walk all over me. I met this girl over summer school in math class. She was really nice and she sat in front of me and we always talked. Well she ended up in my stat class this semester. And right away she started not coming to class and asking me to sign her in and get notes for her. So I went through all this trouble like, getting notes for her, scanning them into my computer and printing them out for her....just...so much shit. She missed like 3 weeks of class just because she didn't want to come and the whole time she expected me to give her notes and take care of her. I hate that shit. Well she actually didn't take the last test and opted to drop it since my teacher lets us drop the lowest score. After I nearly killed myself getting all those notes for her she just didn't take it. Then she starts missing class AGAIN after the second test and the day she misses class I get a text from her "Hey can you sign me in? I'll get the notes from you later on tonight." I literally gritted my teeth and was like. "No you really won't bitch." I almost got in trouble the other day for signing her in when she wasn't there.
There's another ass in my biology class that was sick and she missed a lot of notes. So I sent them to her because it's no big deal. But now it's like...she doesn't come to class on purpose because she knows that I'm going to send her the notes. Like...she's not sick because she's in my psychology class and I see her all the time. It's just like...she can't be bothered to come to class because her little note-taker bitch, Katie will get all the notes for her. I just HATE that shit. People take SUCH advantage of me. I'm really really wearing thin these days.
I just want to punch someone in the face. Like for real. I guess I really should get some sleep.
End Day 65
Monday, October 25, 2010
Day Sixty Four: The Living Dead
I don't know if I'll post this one.
I've been terribly unhappy with how I've been treating my blog lately. I hate it. But I can't write. I can't make myself do anything. It just comes out as garbage. Useless splooge. Just garbage about my feelings for people, my emotions. All of which come to naught. I feel silly even talking in this blog anymore because so many people read it. There are so many expectations now to make an entry, to say the right thing, to say something profound, to not just spill my guts on this page because it's embarrassing. Because it's personal and I shouldn't be telling anyone any of these things. And yet, here I am. I have a few things to say.
I almost lost my sister tonight. I have one sister. Just one. One full blood sibling in the entire world. That's what God gave me. There are no replacement sisters, no others. It's like we were two halves born at a different time. And now we make a whole. Sure we're not perfect. There are a lot of things about her that I can't stand. There are a lot of things that she does that grates on my every nerve. I'm sure who I am is not pleasing to her at all times. But we wouldn't be human if we didn't disagree at times.
Everyone tells Lanie and I that we are twins. It's not like looking into a mirror but it's similar. Same face structure, same color eyes, same skin color, our eyes are shaped differently, and we wear our hair differently, but we generally have the same shape and size. If I was to be honest there are times when I felt like she was all I needed. If I didn't ever have any friends, if God never blessed me with Nicole, Ashley, Delilah, Cassi.....she would have been enough. We're different in personality. Lanie is the social one. She puts herself out there. She grabs her life by the balls and parties up. That's how it goes with Lanie. Lanie wants something Lanie seizes it and she wrestles it to the floor and tames it until it is hers. She is the extrovert. She is the sun. I am the quiet one. The contemplative one. I am funny and social in my own way, but I am not one to surround myself with a lot of people. I am thoughtful and I'm the advice giver. I'm the one that sees things from a distance and observes and records. I am the introvert. I am the moon. And Lanie and I have the same relationship as the sun and the moon. We take turns phasing in and out, one being more powerful than the other and then switching places. Night and day.
And how does the night go on without the day? How does it achieve balance or survive? It doesn't. Like a missing half, the night goes dormant and does not happen. It does not come. The moon does not shine without the sun. That's how it works. When I got the call from her, she sounded like she was going to cry. Her opening words were, "Katie, I love you." And my immediate thought was that something had happened with her friends or her ex-boyfriends or something of that nature. I was ready to comfort. But I wasn't prepared for her to tell me that she almost died tonight. I wasn't ready for that bomb. In fact...I didn't feel the impact of it until after she had hung up the phone. "How?" was all I could say. She told me the story of how she was driving home from her friend's house and a dog had ran out in front of her car. The road she was traveling was one of Louisiana's many dark, forested back highways. She swerved to avoid the animal, fish-tailed into the ditch, missed a bumper and and gasline by inches. If she would have hit the bumper she would have crashed and died on impact. If she had hit the gasline, her car would have exploded. But there was our car....our little black Lexus that we share parallel parked in between that gasline and bumper. And then she told me that she saw Angelle.
Angelle is Lanie's friend that passed a few weeks ago. October 1st. She died the same way. In an automobile accident. I credit God for everything. I credit Him for the fact that she is safe and only her foot is messed up. But I credit Angelle too for stopping that car. Lanie said, "it was as if she took the wheel from me and parallel parked that thing in the ditch." It was so perfectly parked. No scratches to it. Nothing. It was as if it had just killed and came to a perfect dead stop. Lanie said she remembers getting out of the car, her foot all bloodied up, and seeing something flying around that wasn't unlike a butterfly. If you've read my previous entry about the butterflies, you'll know why this is important. The butterfly is what Lanie and her friends liken Angelle to. The butterfly has become like the physical manifestation of Angelle since she died.
This is why I chose this title. Granted, it's appropriate for this Halloween week but it says something else. It says that the dead never really die. And....I just have to say some things that might offend some people. That might conflict with some people's beliefs but I honestly don't care. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't know how atheists do it. How they just....believe in nothing but what we are today and now. How they can comfortably say, "I'm going to die and that's the end" and be done with it. Then please....if you will..answer me this one question. Why are we here then? What is the point of you even taking that next breath? If there is nothing after death then what's the point? And...if that is what you truly believe then you are doing yourself a huge disservice. You aren't giving yourself enough credit.
Human beings are superior creatures. Look at yourself in the mirror and as much as you might not like what you see, just sit in my biology class for a little while and learn about everything that makes your body work. Every little piece, every little reaction that keeps you alive, everything that makes you who you are. It's a downright piece of art. Whether or not you believe that you live up to societies standards as gorgeous or desirable, you're still....amazing. And when someone dies it shakes the world. It starts a ripple that affects people. When a person dies...it's a big deal. And so to say that...this...amazing thing doesn't live on would be silly. Would be ridiculous.
I'm not afraid of death. I never have been. Surely I want to live. Surely I want to take my next breath, but death and I have tangoed before, 3 times to be exact and each time I came out on top. I'm not afraid of it. What I'm afraid of is the loss. The having to live without. The empty. The sadness. The grief. Loss hasn't really paid me a good visit yet. I've never lost anyone close to me. I've never been through that. But I tend to view death as not an ending but a transition. Death isn't an ending. It isn't the end of the story. It's not like, "here's 80 years and that's all she wrote". I can't explain to you why I know this. I just do. I've had too many run-ins, too much evidence in my life that proves that it's not the end. Death is a transition into something greater. We can't imagine that I know. We as humans believe that we're the greatest thing since canned beer. We can build spaceships, we can destroy other people's countries, we can make robots do things for us, we can write literature and create artworks, we can cooks delicious foods and do just about anything that we really want to. So naturally we are the greatest thing in the world. Right? No I really don't think so. We have this ability to become something greater. To shed our bodies and to become these beings that exist in....well God only knows where.
I don't believe in heaven as a gated community with a passcode at the front. You don't like..dial some numbers on a keypad and God swipes his card and opens the gate for you if you have all the right things going for you. These seems to be the common depiction of heaven. I don't see it that way. I believe the dead are active in our lives. They whisper things into your ear, they squeeze your hand when you are sad, they laugh with you, and they cry with you, and they stop moving vehicles from crashing. Heaven is only a state of being. It's the state of being free. Without boundaries. Without hindrances. Heaven is just that. Being one with God and being free from bodily and earthly constraints. It is only after death that you have the ability to do anything you could ever want. And yet....somehow you don't have the desire to do so. Because everything you'd ever want is there and with you all at the same time. It is light. It is peace. It is calm and freedom and the most inexplicable bliss you could ever feel. Dying makes you more alive and real than you've ever felt in your life.
I don't cry at funerals. People look at me like I have something wrong with me but I just don't. I can't be sad for someone who is free of pain and free of any earthly hurt. I don't find them lucky. I certainly wouldn't smile at a funeral. But it is something that I've been looking forward to. I'm not saying that if my sister had died tonight I wouldn't be completely besides myself. I'm not saying that it wouldn't take me years to learn to live without her. I'm human. And that's only second best. But I need to give the biggest thank you to a little girl that I never knew for saving my sister. God sent you there to be with her I know.
For those who are wondering Lanie is fine. Her left foot has a few cuts on it, she's feeling the impact a little bit. The car had little to no damage and she is asleep and ready to drive to work the next few days. Within a few hours of the accident she had called me and was joking about the whole thing. She was making funny accents on the phone and trying to make me laugh. That's her. Nothing can block out the sun.
For those of my friends that are suffering with loss....please remember that. Nothing can block out the sun.
End Day 64
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Day Sixty: The Lost Days
So. I'm sure that some of you have realized that there are a few holes in my blog. A few....missing days. I realize this. I am not retarded. I'm sorry if this is distressing to some people. I simply cannot see why as my life is not that interesting and I do not understand why some people NEED to know what happens in my life everyday. Nonetheless, it's flattering. I like that.
I am literally falling asleep right now. I cannot type. I am dozing off in public as we speak. I hate Wednesday nights. It's my early to bed early to rise night. I have to go to bed at 10:00 which is a jolt to my sleep schedule. My body is not attuned to going to bed that early. So when I am expected to all of a sudden I get nervous like "What if I don't get enough sleep". This makes for stress which makes for a restless night. Last night around 10:00 I got into bed with full intention of going to sleep. I flicked on my television, and watched "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" on Food Network, dozing in and out of sleep. Then I started dreaming about ham sandwiches and I was awake again because I was violently hungry. Damn it. I need to stop watching Food Network to fall asleep. That's bad. So I ate half a box of Wheat Thins....look don't judge me...they're my surrogate potato chips. They're the only way I get by sometimes.
Well after that I still wasn't ready to go to sleep so I got on Facebook Chat from my iPhone and saw that my friend Justin was on. Justin and I have this weird relationship. We kind of like...fell into this friendship our first year of college. He was in my College Orientation class and from the moment I saw him I was like, "that's my new friend." Justin is undoubtedly a good-looking guy. He knows his. Quite well actually. And I plopped myself down in the seat next to him and pretty much never got up. I made sure to sit next to him every class because I felt so incredibly special sitting next to him. Do not pick at my 18 year old logic. I was a tard. Justin and I have been on and off friends for a little while now. It doesn't seem like that long but it's been about as long as I've been in college which is forever it feels like. Justin and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of levels. I'm straight edge....Justin is not. I'm Christian. Justin is Buddhist. Justin likes to play with fire. I am afraid of fire. We do love cats though. That's our common ground. Cats. lol.
Anyway. Justin was Jude's roommate for awhile. I sincerely feel like a complete ass for putting Justin and Jude together. I thought they would get along. From what I can tell NOW, Jude doesn't get along with anyone. Because he's a fucking.......ok we're not going to get into how I feel about my ex lol. But at least Jude paid Justin's rent for awhile and so we kind of scratched each others backs like that for awhile. I wish I would have spent more time with Justin. Jude was just busy being anti-social and didn't want to interact with Justin or his friend Kevin because he felt "awkward". That's actually Jude's middle name. Awkward. I've decided that just now. Because that pretty much explains him as a person.
Well Justin just started doing this thing where he fire dances. He's got this huge staff (*giggles*) that he lights on fire and he twirls it around and it just looks really cool. Of course, I'm like SUCH the worry wart so I was like "Ahhh be careful!" And then it hit me..."why am I so concerned about Justin?" Like I was literally freaking out because I thought he was going to hurt himself. But why? Justin and I aren't THAT close. I don't know if he'd ever want to be that close to me. Because we're such different people. But I was like...legit concerned for him.
I feel this need lately to be close to everyone I know. Like I'm running out of time. Like they won't be there someday. I guess it's because I looked at my course distribution sheet the other day and noticed that college is almost over. And I haven't made any close friends here. I used to put priority on that kind of sludge. You NEED friends. You MUST make friends like the world is going out of stock of people to befriend or something. I think it's because people put so much stock in the college cliches. "You make your best friends in college", "Your college friends will be friends for life". My opinion is to just not put stress on yourself like that. Uni isn't the only place where people hang out. And what is this illusion that you NEED a billion friends? But I can't help it. I'm stressing. G and I have been in class together for two semesters now. Y'all remember G from my previous entries. And the thought dawned on me the other day that I'm never going to see G again probably after this semester. That freaked me out. I get comfortable with people. I get comfortable with him sitting in front of me in class and looking at the back of his head. And the thought that he's not going to be there anymore freaked me out whether or not he and I claim to be close to each other. Because we're not. And I don't know HOW to get close to someone like that. Just like I don't know HOW to get close to Justin. All I know is that I want that closeness. That bond. That interaction with someone.
I dozed off briefly last night thinking about Justin throwing flames. THAT was an interesting dream. Because he wasn't using a staff he was just like...generating fire and throwing it everywhere. That was around 12:30. I woke up at 2:30 a couple of hours later. At first I didn't realize what woke me up. I thought I was just awake. This is normal for my insomnia tendencies. All of a sudden I'll just be awake. But no. There was something going on outside. Like...a large group of people hanging outside my window being REALLY loud. At first I thought the building was on fire. Probably because I was dreaming about fire and Justin without his shirt on. I immediately thought something was wrong. So I jumped up and went to the window to see what was happening. From what I could see, because it was pretty dark out, there were about...12 people chilling outside by the volleyball court. They were just...standing there...conversing...at top octave....at 2:30 in the morning. I realized after listening to their conversations that they were extremely inebriated and soon my fears were turned into anger. It's a WEDNESDAY NIGHT! What are you people DOING outside at this hour talking like that, carrying on? Not to mention, some guy named Daniel was apparently trying to get into a fist fight with every male in the vicinity and some girl kept screaming, "Baby stop! Daniel stop it! Just stop!" That was accompanied by loud male shouts that were indistinct. There was also lots of high pitched laughter. I cracked my blinds a little bit and stared down with a look of death on my face and watched the crowd. They were literally standing around in the dark, talking and fighting and carrying on with their drunk selves. I felt like opening my window and pouring acid on all of them.............not that I own a vat of acid. But still. There were AT LEAST 10 of these people. I would say about 12 or 13. I tried calling the security people but no one answered. Great job security. so I laid in bed until about 3:30 and finally drifted back to sleep. My alarm rang at 6 and I seriously considered bailing on class.
But I can't do that. My bio lab is only once a week and Turluck wets his drawers if we don't come to class. And I CANNOT afford to do poorly in that class. It's already a hard enough class to get into, it would look really poor if I failed it and then getting back into the class to retake it would be nothing short of a nightmare. So I dragged my sad ass out of the house and went to lab. We did exactly the same thing we do every time we set foot in that class. We get slides of stuff and look at them under the microscope and draw thumbnails of what we see. Last week it was diatoms, this week it was plant cells. I'm done. I do NOT understand how this pertains to psychology. And Turluck's sickeningly sweet enthusiastic disposition and enthusiasm towards these labs makes it worse. But I suppose I'd rather him be excited than pissy.
Then there's that long ass wait in between lab and psych. I've been planted in this same spot in the library for hours. I'm tired. I'm actually physically falling asleep. I do not know how I am going to survive sitting in that cramped chair for an hour and a half listening to Umbridge talk. Her stories are funny. Her weird sense of humor is entertaining. But on a day like this it's not enough to keep me awake. I would love it if I could use the big, beefy, slightly attractive male, Chris, that sits next to me as a pillow. He's literally within head distance. That's how close our desks are together.................*drools and snores*
*jolts awake* ZOMG. o.o I just fell asleep. C just woke me up. Thank you C....and Facebook...for having such startling chat noises. *shakes it off*
Well. I need to go now. I need to find ways to keep myself awake. I will have nap time later. :) Today's picture is of me in my hat. Making a quizzical face. And failing. Sorry I have no make up on. Well like...a very little bit. I don't wear makeup to school anymore.
Tomorrow is Friday. And since I finished all my Friday homework a few days ago I will catch up on this blog thing tonight. Love you all!
End Day 60
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Day Fifty-Nine: Amoretti
I think possibly if I could just lay down and die that would be the best way to go about this. Because that's all I seem to want to do this afternoon...die. I lie on my stomach really still, hold my breath and hope that everything will just stop working and I die.
In my opinion there is no worse disease in the world than being heart sick. Because it's something that can't be cured. There isn't a cure. Because the only thing that will stop this feeling of utter torment is to be with that person. And that absolutely impossible when the person is thousands of miles away from you and you don't know if they feel the same. Is it a crime? To wonder if they even think about you sometimes? If the thought of you even crosses their mind in a day? Is it a crime to want that? I didn't think so until now. Now I'm wondering if I should be guilty.
Should I stand trial every time I send them a message? Every time I create art for them or write poems for them....should I feel guilty? Am I asking for too much to just hear from them? Am I wrong? Is it wrong to care for him the way I do?
Look. I realize I'm unlovable. I get that. And all of you people that will write "No you're not Katie!" are just wasting my time. You're wasting your breath on me because your words are not countering years and years of evidence that backs up this theory. To me...you're just being annoying. And somehow I've found myself craving just that. To be loved. And not just by anyone. No. My heart has picked out someone specific to burden. And it HAD to be him. Him, the sweetest, most kind and understanding person in the world and I have to fall in love with him. And my heart knows no boundaries. It runs after what it wants at break neck speed and I can't control it. I can't control myself.
And right now he's going through something that I've never experienced before on a close level. Death. I don't understand death. None of my close family has died, no friends...I don't even own pets for this reason. Because I can't handle it. I personally...have almost died...and I guess I understand death from that aspect. But I don't know loss. I know it abstractly. I know it in the sense of relationships, when someone you love for two years walks out on you and never comes back...that's a death in my opinion. Somehow it's even worse than death. Because at least when someone dies....if you believe in an afterlife you can console yourself with the thought of them looking down on you or "being with you in spirit". But the death of a relationship....that person DIES to you. They're not there anymore and you can't hold them or love them anymore but the worst part is that they're not even dead they're actually just hooking up with half their hometown right now and that they left you by choice. So anyway...there's nothing I can really SAY to him that will make this all right. I can't relate.
But because of my empath abilities I can feel his pain. I can feel it like it was my own pain. And it's something I don't understand or comprehend and all I want to do is fix it. I'm a fixer, a healer. This is what I go to school for. I want to fix it for him, I want to make it better. But how? I can't make it any better and NOTHING I say is going to make it all right. Hell I'm pretty sure he doesn't even LIKE hearing from me right now. But there's my weakness. I can't leave him alone. Because maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm an asshole....I don't think that's the case. I think it's just human nature...to want to take care of those we love when they are in pain.
And this is the part that makes me go stir crazy. He lives about a day's drive from where I live. And while that isn't too bad...we honestly don't know each other like that. I can't just be like, "I'm going to go visit him and bring him a fruit basket"...because we haven't reached that level of friendship...at least I don't think so. I don't even know what's going on. And I would like everyone to refer to my "Deactivating the Filter" post I made...I believe it was day 50....as you can see this is completely contrary to how I live my life. I DON'T censor myself. I DON'T consider comfort-level with most people because that's just the way I am. But he's special. He's probably the most special person I've met. And my main priority is to make him happy. Where that comes from I do not know? I don't know what makes people CHOOSE other people. I've been able to pinpoint a few explanations for why I love this person.
1. It's not a physical thing. I know this for a fact. While the fact that this man is possibly one of the most gorgeous people in the world remains...it isn't a factor in why I care about him. I love him because he makes me happy. Unlike ANY other person in my life. Inexplicably, blissfully, through the roof happy.
2. I love him because he is human. Because he is explicitly and clearly 100% human. He is flawed. He makes mistakes. He has problems. He is pained. He is gorgeously and beautifully imperfect.
3. I love him because he was the one that inspired me to deactivate my filter. Which is kind of ironic that he is the only person I use it around. Well...in this time anyway. I am just trying desperately not to piss him off or fudge anything up since I seem to be really good at that. He told me to, "Never second guess yourself". And so I have done so....everyday...until..recently.
I can't touch him. I can't hold him and tell him it's going to be ok. I hope he has people where he is that can do that for him. And well then if not...that just makes it worse. That's the worst part I think...not being able to physically be there with him. Again...I'm not even sure if he would want me around. I hate how there isn't anything I can do. Nothing. I just hope....that if by some chance he is reading this...that he knows someone out there thinks the world of him. And that if he would only call my name I would be right there. He just has to say the word.
I've been thinking a lot about getting out of here and where I would go. I'm over it. I'm done with this place. This place is empty because now I know what isn't here...what is there that I'm missing out on. It's going to go two ways. If I can afford it (which is looking grim right now) I will go to England. Assimilate into the culture there...forget that I was ever American. Find an English boyfriend that likes bands and goes to shows. Maybe he'll wear plaid shirts and Converse sneakers and wear those shades with slats in them....they look like window blinds to me. I think they look RETARDED. I feel like pulling them off of people when I see them wearing them and be like "You're going to get hit by a moving vehicle because you can't SEE!" The only person who is allowed to wear said glasses is Kanye West. Because that's "his thing". Or on the other hand I could just scrap England (which is probably going to end up happening because I'm POOR) and move to California. Not because of him. Not because that's the cliche thing to do. Because I feel like it's the next logical move. Because basically I want to go to UCLA for medical school....or Standford....yeah Standford. Because basically I want to go to the beach. Because basically I'm sick of living in tropical weather. Because maybe....it is a little bit about him. I could run excuses up and down the street why it's not...but ok....I'll admit it....it's a little bit about him.
Right now I'm working on something for him. In the 16th Century Edmund Spencer wrote a work called the "Amoretti". Which is a series of sonnets for his love Elizabeth Boyle. I have always wanted to write an Amoretti for someone I love. But no one I've ever been with has inspired me until my current special friend. And since my emotional heart has cranked out a few poems for him already I'm going to write him his own Amoretti. And whether or not he chooses to care about me too...it will be a gift for him that he won't ever forget. His very own Amoretti.
This is probably the sappiest song in the entire world by the cheesiest singing group in the world but it's appropriate for right now.
"You can call me selfish, but all I want is your love. You can call me hopeless, baby, because I'm hopelessly in love. You can call me imperfect, but who's perfect? Tell me what I got to do? To prove that I'm the only one for you? So what's wrong with being selfish?"
-"Selfish", N*Sync
End Day 59
In my opinion there is no worse disease in the world than being heart sick. Because it's something that can't be cured. There isn't a cure. Because the only thing that will stop this feeling of utter torment is to be with that person. And that absolutely impossible when the person is thousands of miles away from you and you don't know if they feel the same. Is it a crime? To wonder if they even think about you sometimes? If the thought of you even crosses their mind in a day? Is it a crime to want that? I didn't think so until now. Now I'm wondering if I should be guilty.
Should I stand trial every time I send them a message? Every time I create art for them or write poems for them....should I feel guilty? Am I asking for too much to just hear from them? Am I wrong? Is it wrong to care for him the way I do?
Look. I realize I'm unlovable. I get that. And all of you people that will write "No you're not Katie!" are just wasting my time. You're wasting your breath on me because your words are not countering years and years of evidence that backs up this theory. To me...you're just being annoying. And somehow I've found myself craving just that. To be loved. And not just by anyone. No. My heart has picked out someone specific to burden. And it HAD to be him. Him, the sweetest, most kind and understanding person in the world and I have to fall in love with him. And my heart knows no boundaries. It runs after what it wants at break neck speed and I can't control it. I can't control myself.
And right now he's going through something that I've never experienced before on a close level. Death. I don't understand death. None of my close family has died, no friends...I don't even own pets for this reason. Because I can't handle it. I personally...have almost died...and I guess I understand death from that aspect. But I don't know loss. I know it abstractly. I know it in the sense of relationships, when someone you love for two years walks out on you and never comes back...that's a death in my opinion. Somehow it's even worse than death. Because at least when someone dies....if you believe in an afterlife you can console yourself with the thought of them looking down on you or "being with you in spirit". But the death of a relationship....that person DIES to you. They're not there anymore and you can't hold them or love them anymore but the worst part is that they're not even dead they're actually just hooking up with half their hometown right now and that they left you by choice. So anyway...there's nothing I can really SAY to him that will make this all right. I can't relate.
But because of my empath abilities I can feel his pain. I can feel it like it was my own pain. And it's something I don't understand or comprehend and all I want to do is fix it. I'm a fixer, a healer. This is what I go to school for. I want to fix it for him, I want to make it better. But how? I can't make it any better and NOTHING I say is going to make it all right. Hell I'm pretty sure he doesn't even LIKE hearing from me right now. But there's my weakness. I can't leave him alone. Because maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm an asshole....I don't think that's the case. I think it's just human nature...to want to take care of those we love when they are in pain.
And this is the part that makes me go stir crazy. He lives about a day's drive from where I live. And while that isn't too bad...we honestly don't know each other like that. I can't just be like, "I'm going to go visit him and bring him a fruit basket"...because we haven't reached that level of friendship...at least I don't think so. I don't even know what's going on. And I would like everyone to refer to my "Deactivating the Filter" post I made...I believe it was day 50....as you can see this is completely contrary to how I live my life. I DON'T censor myself. I DON'T consider comfort-level with most people because that's just the way I am. But he's special. He's probably the most special person I've met. And my main priority is to make him happy. Where that comes from I do not know? I don't know what makes people CHOOSE other people. I've been able to pinpoint a few explanations for why I love this person.
1. It's not a physical thing. I know this for a fact. While the fact that this man is possibly one of the most gorgeous people in the world remains...it isn't a factor in why I care about him. I love him because he makes me happy. Unlike ANY other person in my life. Inexplicably, blissfully, through the roof happy.
2. I love him because he is human. Because he is explicitly and clearly 100% human. He is flawed. He makes mistakes. He has problems. He is pained. He is gorgeously and beautifully imperfect.
3. I love him because he was the one that inspired me to deactivate my filter. Which is kind of ironic that he is the only person I use it around. Well...in this time anyway. I am just trying desperately not to piss him off or fudge anything up since I seem to be really good at that. He told me to, "Never second guess yourself". And so I have done so....everyday...until..recently.
I can't touch him. I can't hold him and tell him it's going to be ok. I hope he has people where he is that can do that for him. And well then if not...that just makes it worse. That's the worst part I think...not being able to physically be there with him. Again...I'm not even sure if he would want me around. I hate how there isn't anything I can do. Nothing. I just hope....that if by some chance he is reading this...that he knows someone out there thinks the world of him. And that if he would only call my name I would be right there. He just has to say the word.
I've been thinking a lot about getting out of here and where I would go. I'm over it. I'm done with this place. This place is empty because now I know what isn't here...what is there that I'm missing out on. It's going to go two ways. If I can afford it (which is looking grim right now) I will go to England. Assimilate into the culture there...forget that I was ever American. Find an English boyfriend that likes bands and goes to shows. Maybe he'll wear plaid shirts and Converse sneakers and wear those shades with slats in them....they look like window blinds to me. I think they look RETARDED. I feel like pulling them off of people when I see them wearing them and be like "You're going to get hit by a moving vehicle because you can't SEE!" The only person who is allowed to wear said glasses is Kanye West. Because that's "his thing". Or on the other hand I could just scrap England (which is probably going to end up happening because I'm POOR) and move to California. Not because of him. Not because that's the cliche thing to do. Because I feel like it's the next logical move. Because basically I want to go to UCLA for medical school....or Standford....yeah Standford. Because basically I want to go to the beach. Because basically I'm sick of living in tropical weather. Because maybe....it is a little bit about him. I could run excuses up and down the street why it's not...but ok....I'll admit it....it's a little bit about him.
Right now I'm working on something for him. In the 16th Century Edmund Spencer wrote a work called the "Amoretti". Which is a series of sonnets for his love Elizabeth Boyle. I have always wanted to write an Amoretti for someone I love. But no one I've ever been with has inspired me until my current special friend. And since my emotional heart has cranked out a few poems for him already I'm going to write him his own Amoretti. And whether or not he chooses to care about me too...it will be a gift for him that he won't ever forget. His very own Amoretti.
This is probably the sappiest song in the entire world by the cheesiest singing group in the world but it's appropriate for right now.
"You can call me selfish, but all I want is your love. You can call me hopeless, baby, because I'm hopelessly in love. You can call me imperfect, but who's perfect? Tell me what I got to do? To prove that I'm the only one for you? So what's wrong with being selfish?"
-"Selfish", N*Sync
End Day 59
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Day Fifty-Three: My Special Friend
It's a really hard thing for me to do....cry in public. But for some reason right now I've been through about enough. So much that these tears won't stay where they belong...behind my eyes. And I'm surrounded by people. It's times like these when I wish I would have gotten those sunglasses.
I'm a wreck. A complete emotional wreck. I wore...wait for it..........YOGA PANTS to school today. If you can remember from my previous entries how I feel about myself wearing YOGA PANTS to school, you must know that my life is in a shambles right now. I'm wearing light blue yoga pants, a black t-shirt and my hair unblowdried in a ponytail. I'm rocking the ponytail plus headband look. I have to wear my tennis shoes with my yoga pants too because yesterday I stepped on a piece of glass and cut my foot in two different places. I probably don't need a tetnis shot.......I don't think. It wasn't deep enough. Anyway I can't wear flip flops because my foot is bandaged and it would get...infected if I let it out in the open. Anyway. Sorry that was gross.
I still cannot eat. Some of you may recall my grief entry when I didn't eat. Well I'm still not doing that. The sight and smell of food makes me ill. My friend Brittany and I did our normal Thursday morning coffee or breakfast thing after our 8 AM bio lab. She MADE me eat. She bought me a turkey wrap which I took two bites of and felt like I was going to vomit. It's not that it was a bad sandwich. I'm not into food anymore. Speaking of which....I'm under 200 lbs as of yesterday! I haven't been under 200 in 4 years and last night I weighed myself and I was at 198 WITH my special visitor of the month. And all girls know that our special visitors make us gain about 4-5 pounds. So I'm 198 with my visitor. Which is awesome. :) I will attribute that to being depressed and not eating but at least my stomach is shrinking. I eat 1/4 of what I used to in high school....and that to me is an accomplishment. I'm going to start kickboxing so I can have a toned ass and beat people up. Ok. That's retarded I'll never beat anyone up. But I've never been defended by anyone else in my life so why should I start letting people defend me if someone tries to rape me. I want to take that sukka out!! I'm already good at punching people in the face. Now I need to get good at kicking people in the face. I'm also going to start playing volleyball if someone wants to plaaaaayyy :D. I used to be really good and I used to play on a team.....when I was 11.....anyway. LOL But now I'm 10 years older and a little rusty so I'll go easy on you. :)
Anywho. I haven't heard from my special friend in a few days. I don't know if I've talked about my special friend before. My special friend is a guy that I'm kinda...sweet on. Like...no like way more than sweet....it's more like I'm hot for him lol. Like burning up, 300 degrees hot for him. This special friend and I aren't dating but it's not entirely impossible that we will one day. Maybe. Possibly. I'd say it's about a 50/50 shot right now....he might think something different but it's not like I can ask him right now. We've both got a lot on our plates. But I would be lying if I said I didn't care about him. A lot. Ok fine. I think about him at LEAST 4 times a day. That's not weird I don't think. My special friend has a few problems just like me and our primary means of communication is text message. I found out this morning that he's been going through a lot lately and I'm worried SICK about him. Like literally I threw up this morning I was so worried about him. He didn't text me though, he sent me a message on my YouTube inbox which was...random. I really hope he's ok. This is my reason for crying in public. Ok....not the only reason. I'm crying for A LOT of reasons but I am legit scared for him. I just wish....he would tell me that he's all right. I would just like to hear from him. Because truth be told I miss him and I am like....so stressed that something happened to him. Why the hell don't I live near ANYONE that I care about??? I don't even live near my own fucking family! Ugh. Isolation.
I have also realized that the reason I am even alive right now is because of liquids. While solid food and I haven't spoken for about....mmmmm....two weeks....liquids and I have been hanging out a lot. I drink a lot of milk, a lot of Coke, a lot of juice....a LOT of rootbeer, a lot of tea and a lot of...*swirls liquid around in cup* whatever this delicious cinnamon flavored milkiness this is that Brittany bought for me this morning. I suppose that provides some kind of nutrition. Well Coke probably doesn't. It just makes me feel bloated and full which takes away from the feeling of the front of my stomach trying to eat my spine. That feeling is really REALLY familiar lately. And in some sick way I kind of like it. It makes me glad to know that I'm hungry and I literally do not care. Which if you know my track record in high school where I medicated every emotional problem with food and never skipped a meal...it feels like an accomplishment.
I would like to note that SOMEONE smells amazing in this cafe and I can't figure out who it is. It's definitely a girl.....or a gay man....WHO IN HERE IS WEARING THE NICE PERFUME? I MUST KNOW THE BRAND! I have a real issue with collecting fragrances. I love perfume. I always smell really good. That's my signature thing. Everyone alway hugs me and is like *hugs longer*...."you smell so gooood". It's awesome. Wait.....*smells shirt*......I think the smelling good person is actually myself. XD Wow Katie. I'm wearing Thierry Mugler's "Lily" today. ^.^ I smell like a spring flower. Ok I'm going into that "on drugs" mode again so I will end this entry.
Today's picture is of my cinnamon milky goodness from Jazzman's. It has my name on it. :D
End Day 53
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