Day Sixty-Five: Used

I would like to start off by saying that I am "that friend". That friend that's ALWAYS there when you need her, that's always the emotional support, the one that's always bleeding all over the place, spilling her blood and guts and money and time for everyone and anyone who needs it. Your dad's in the hospital? No problem! Here's a lasagna for you and your family that I baked! You don't have money for lunch? No problem! Here's $10! You're cold? Oh here! Take my jacket! I'm THAT person. That throws themselves under the bus for people to make them happy. But here's the thing that makes me mad. Whenever the random event occurs that *I* actually need someone....that I'M actually suffering....everyone scatters. Look, I don't do things for people with the expectation that I'm going to get something back. That would be stupid. But I'm not going to lie, it annoys me when I let someone borrow money a few times and they never pay me back and then when I need like....a $1 for a hamburger because I'm out of food for the month, no one has a dollar. Like it's the hardest thing to come by.

Today my dad got admitted to the hospital. I know. My sister yesterday, my dad today. This seems to be a test. God does that. He's really big on pop quizzes. So the deal was, this weekend I was supposed to come into town to be with my family and friends for Halloween. Not that Halloween is like some religious holiday (well ok it is for some people but I generally try to avoid interacting with said people), but it's a holiday nonetheless and my friends and I had plans. Lots of plans. Movie marathons, candy, good eats, playing with fire maybe? I don't know...whatever we tend to do Halloween weekend. So since I do not have a vehicle, my dad was supposed to come get me Friday after class and my mom was going to bring me back Monday morning since I would probably be crashed out on a sugar high Sunday night. That's what happened last year. Nicole and I watched Halloween on Ice, pelted candy at her neighbors, decorated the house and ate a shit load of candy and watched Tru Blood until the wee hours of the morning. I believe I ate too many Harry Potter themed candies and my sugar crash started around 3 in the morning. See? I'm still 16 years old. Screw this being 21 thing. But now, obviously because my father is having a heart episode again, he can't come get me.

Well immediately after I received the call that my father was in the hospital I forgot all my plans. I was like "that's it"....I HAVE to go home for a different reason now. If my father hadn't specifically asked me to stay in school this week and not come home early, I would be on the road NOW some way somehow. But I NEEDED a ride home. I called every person in my phone book, put out a plea on Facebook, no one replied. And then...some people...not naming names had the AUDACITY to tell me that it was no big deal. They were like, "Oh Katie it's not a big deal. We don't know what's wrong with your father right now....he might be ok." And I just wanted to scream "I FUCKING HATE YOU. I DON'T CARE IF MY FATHER IS IN THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE HE HAS A BRUISE. I WANT TO FUCKING SEE HIM BECAUSE HE'S 65 YEARS OLD AND HE'S NOT THE HEALTHIEST PERSON ALIVE AND I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE THE LAST TIME I SEE HIM! OK BITCH????" Like literally I was so disgusted. And this is one of those people that my family has been there for for AGES and it's like, "Wow, you can't even do this one thing for me?" I mean even if she wouldn't have been able to bring me back, don't tell me that I'm overreacting or being stupid or use that tone with me like I'm the biggest jackass who ever called you. Some people just have NO social graces. Like NONE whatsoever. And then a few members of my extended family chewed me out for asking them for a ride home. It's like, "I know that your side of the family is divorcing his but really...have a heart." I just get really frustrated because I never need anyone. I never ask anyone for anything. I'm the kind of person that feels BAD when I ask for something or when someone gives something to me. But when I do ask for something you know it's because I really need it. And I hate people that act like I'm the biggest turd in the world for asking them for something when all THEY do is ask me for things and ask me for support and help. It just riles me. Well. I did get a ride. From my friend Heath. Yes, my cockroach killer. He has been SUCH the moral support for me in the last few months, doing things for me that apparently "normal" people won't do because they are so cold-hearted. I would have paid anyone gas money to do it....but Heath is so charitable. He has the biggest award waiting for him when he dies. I'm telling you. He's like a saint. I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

I just...I just have no faith in people. I mean there aren't that many Heaths in this world that would just do anything for you at any time. I mean literally there's maybe ONE in 100. Heath and I are from the same cloth in that respect. There are a lot of things that I simply CAN'T do for people since I don't have a car. It isn't that I don't want to or that every fiber in my body isn't screaming to be able to be there for that person or do what that person needs. It's just that I can't. Physically. And now that my sister almost got killed last night I'm not sure if I WANT a car now. Seriously, people need to take driving a little bit more serious because it isn't a game. I know Lanie didn't really do anything wrong last night. I mean, you're not supposed to swerve for animals unless it's going to kill you like...a cow....or something...but seriously...she really didn't do anything wrong. She just reacted to something and like she said, "You literally have .5 seconds to decide what you're going to do."

Anyway, I've been being used lately. As I said in a previous entry, titled "No More Miss Nice Girl", I have this issue where I let people walk all over me. I met this girl over summer school in math class. She was really nice and she sat in front of me and we always talked. Well she ended up in my stat class this semester. And right away she started not coming to class and asking me to sign her in and get notes for her. So I went through all this trouble like, getting notes for her, scanning them into my computer and printing them out for her....just...so much shit. She missed like 3 weeks of class just because she didn't want to come and the whole time she expected me to give her notes and take care of her. I hate that shit. Well she actually didn't take the last test and opted to drop it since my teacher lets us drop the lowest score. After I nearly killed myself getting all those notes for her she just didn't take it. Then she starts missing class AGAIN after the second test and the day she misses class I get a text from her "Hey can you sign me in? I'll get the notes from you later on tonight." I literally gritted my teeth and was like. "No you really won't bitch." I almost got in trouble the other day for signing her in when she wasn't there.

There's another ass in my biology class that was sick and she missed a lot of notes. So I sent them to her because it's no big deal. But now it's like...she doesn't come to class on purpose because she knows that I'm going to send her the notes. Like...she's not sick because she's in my psychology class and I see her all the time. It's just like...she can't be bothered to come to class because her little note-taker bitch, Katie will get all the notes for her. I just HATE that shit. People take SUCH advantage of me. I'm really really wearing thin these days.

I just want to punch someone in the face. Like for real. I guess I really should get some sleep.

End Day 65