Sometimes I just need to stay away from people.
This is something I NEED to learn to do. It seems the more I like a person for who they are, the more that I care about someone, and the more I genuinely want to know them as people, the more they hate me. This has been a phenomena that I've witnessed my entire life. I do not notice this in anyone else's life. It seems that generally when someone wants to be friends with someone else and wants to get close to them it happens for them. Making friends is generally a positive thing.
NOT with me. I have figured out about 3 years ago that there is something wrong with me. Something EXTREMELY offputting about me that I CANNOT understand or figure out. I have brainstormed on this topic for a very long time. I have literally driven myself mad trying to figure out what that something is. I KNOW I'm a bit overbearing a times. I speak my mind. I'm not afraid to say things the way they are. But generally when first meeting someone I try to keep those traits at bay until they understand that I'm not a total nutcase just...opinionated. I can also admit to being a tad annoying at times. A bit emo-ish, up in your face, clingy....but actually in recent years I've almost extinguished these bad traits. Sometimes they rear their ugly heads every now and then but I try mostly to be a level-headed person.
And I'm NOT a total nut on an everyday basis. I have a lot of friends that I don't really like. Mostly because I'm a nice person and I'm really REALLY too nice to tell them, "You're a complete twat." As long as they're not grating on my every last nerve, I keep them in my life because that's the nice thing to do. We have lunch, we do coffee, we study together and that's it. I don't get intimately involved with these people because pretty much they are really really...boring. To me at least. I NEED stimulating conversation when I talk to someone. I really need someone to say something educated to me. If it's going to be a whole hour talking about how "And then Jenny did this and I cut her! Oh and then Michael came over and we busted that bitches door down". Like....I don't do drama. I don't like to hear you embellish stories about your life to make it sound like you're on "Real Housewives" or something. There is NO WAY you went and kicked down someone's door last night and punched their abusive boyfriend in the face. You would be a jail!
And honestly I don't have very many friends because they're AREN'T many people who value real conversation and not Jersey Shore splooge. I have come to realize I'm really REALLY not anti-social, I am really just picky about who I get close to. I'm a nice person and I hang out with everyone. But I'm not going to invite these people TO MY HOUSE or to spend anymore time with me than 60 minutes. But every now and then there's a person that I really....really like. Like...as people. A lot of these people I've met on the internet. My friend Beth is one of these people. Beth and I have never met in real life but we could literally probably spend a good deal of time together talking about books, school, animals, food, culture, politics, ALL KINDS OF THINGS. Basically because Beth values things that aren't retarded. I have found a LOT of these people on YouTube. Which sucks because YouTube isn't an actual place and you can't go down to Beth's house at 605 YouTube Street and visit with her. In reality Beth lives about....almost a week's worth of driving distance away from me. Ouch.
The person that I'm specifically talking about in this entry is someone that I really genuinely liked as a person. Like more so than A LOT of people. It really takes a special individual to get to this kind of status with me. To create that kind of respect. Because like I said...there are really only a few people that I actually LIKE. And it has nothing to do with the way this person looks or anything. This person could be ugly as heck and I would still want to be their friend. I don't...operate based on how people look. It's not a good thing to do. The fact that this person is really pretty to look at is only just a perk in the game. Maybe...I came off too strongly with this person. I get...overly...*clicks tongue*..how do I say this....I get hyperactive when I talk to people I like. I get over animated. I joke too much. I have too many things to say to them in one conversation. I am overly complimentary and I act like an awkward freak. ASK ME NOT why this happens! Because with people that I don't really like I am like...cool as a fucking cucumber. I am KNOWN for being the chilled out, laid back, intellectual friend that everyone comes to for advice. But then I meet someone that genuinely makes me happy and I turn into a freak. This has also happened with Beth lately too. It's not restricted to gender. I don't turn into a slobbering whore around guys that I like. It's GIRLS too. And I'm not attracted to girls. I'm not like that. I have this weird obsessive need for them to like me back. Like to be friends with me because GOD FORBID this rare person gets away.
I came on a bit strong with this particular person. And I can't seem to make amends for it. The more I try to make amends for the way I acted the worse it gets. The more psycho I seem. It's like trying to fix something and just breaking it further every time you touch it. I almost feel HORRIBLE even talking to this person when I do. Like I feel like I am totally imposing and destroying this person's life if I even say "hi". And it literally tears me up on the inside. Because this person is like extra special. It's like...if all the friends that I REALLY like are gold..this one is platinum. I've NEVER met someone that's platinum before! And I think...that whatever friendship I could have had with this person is irreversibly damaged. Like...they will never want to be close to me. And I know SEVERAL people reading this blog...specific ones...are laughing at me right now. I know it. People that I care about are laughing at me right now because I am a complete and utter fool. And I get that. I deserve it.
I think maybe it's that...I don't want to work for anything. I don't want to wait I don't want to have to wonder. I want their friendship now! And I think...maybe when I talked to this person I overshot the comfortable-level between us. I guess it's because....in this circle of friends that we have going on...everyone is really comfortable with each other. No one that I've been overly affectionate with has met me with any sort of opposition so far. So I guess that since I've been getting away with it for so long that I sprang it on this person thinking that it would be the same way...and it wasn't. Like...I can make crass, weird jokes with a lot of friends here. I can be honest and upfront and be like "I love you. You are literally my favorite" and all my friends here will be like "YAY!" Like I know with my friend Ashley...we make sexual jokes to each other all the time. Sometimes we'll literally like grab each others boobs and be like "I wanna fuck you". But it's not for real! It's a joke! That's kind of my sense of humor....and while I don't say it in those words to everyone.....actually Ashley is PROBABLY the only person I'd ever say that too LOL...I do tend to make sexual jokes and just be overall goofy around people.
I mean there's a difference between, "You're a really attractive person. I like you," and "I'd like to see what's in YOUR pants XD" (smiley faces included) The first one is much more sincere and it's the truth. The second one is just me being really weird and being crass and humorous. I think...maybe this person does not understand my sense of humor. They literally...ugh. And I really didn't say anything really bad to this person. I tried to keep my weirdness at bay. But I just think this person completely misunderstands me and is legitimately afraid of me and does not want to have any sort of prolonged conversation with me. This is very disheartening. Because this is someone I really wanted to get to know. But sometimes I guess...you just gotta let it go.
I probably won't ever find another platinum.
By the way...my Day Forty-Nine entry needs to be completely disregarded. I think I was on crack that day. I mean what I said about MYSELF is real but I was having some kind of emotional hiccup that day and like....I think I took drugs. And I don't mean literally. But sometimes I do that. Like sometimes I act like I'm on drugs for like...a period of 8 hours. I just become like really passionate and....strange. Sorry. For that. UGH.
Like I was saying. Sometimes I need to just stay away from people.
*sighs* Back to the isolation closet.
The picture for today is something I thought some people would enjoy. I live nextdoor to "Scooter Bruce's". It's a old hick dude that sells really weird scooters. This is one of his products. I'm going to get this ride and be like...an even bigger freak.
End Day 51
I really think that person should read this entry. Maybe then he/she would understand. Obviously, you shouldn't be the messenger. But I'm sure any of your online friends would be willing to do it (myself included). I would omit this comment first, so it wouldn't look like it was something that was planned. ;)
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