Day Forty-Four: Untitled

I wish I could think of something profound to say right now...but to be honest I'm more lost than ever. For a little while I felt like I was getting out of the woods. I felt like I was starting a new life and it was wonderful. But I realized that the source of my happiness was because I thought Jude and I were going to get back together. It wasn't like I was truly happy being single or being on my own two feet. It was only a temporary thing, still using Jude as a crutch. And now, as I sit at rock bottom grasping for memories of him, I can't help but feel that this very well might be where I'll be for the rest of my life.
How does one forget the most important love they've ever had? How do you really wash that slate clean? I doesn't happen. And all my friends who are in serious relationships are saying, "Just get over him", but I can't help but want to shout back, "What if HE left YOU?" Would it be so easy? My friends that are in year long relationships with their men...would it be so easy for you to forget him? No. The answer is no because the heart doesn't forget the memories. And the longer you spend with someone and the more memories you make the worse it is. The harder it gets to forget.
I'm tired all the time. That's the only thing this situation has given me in the last 5 months...sleep. Lots of it. The more depressed I am the more I want it and the more my body cries out for it. I could not keep myself awake in Statistics yesterday. I put my head down on Jude's sweatshirt and fell asleep for five minutes. I woke up only to see my Statistics professor glaring at me as he lectured. If only he knew. Professors are so insensitive and ridiculous. They act like us students are invincible. They make us do inhuman things. They expect us to be robots that do whatever they say. But when someone is grieving or hurting so badly on the inside it's not easy to perform. It's not even ok to be physically sick anymore! My biology lab professor cut my balls off because I had a cold one morning. But how do you get excused from class because you're depressed? They're just going to look at you and tell you to go to hell. For instance, I went up to my Stat professor after class to get him to check my homework and a girl came up to him and told him that she missed two days of class last week because her father had a heart attack. He went into cardiac arrest and was in the hospital. First of all I don't think he understood what she was talking about because his English is limited to the subject that he teaches. But he basically told her "too bad" she was still going to get points off her grade. It's like....omg....what if he had DIED? She's not supposed to go see her father because she has STAT CLASS? No fuck that. That's so stupid. If I were her I would take it to the dean. That's so unfair. I hate how universities pull that shit.
Like tomorrow. I have French class bright and early. I HATE French class. I hate it so much it makes me want to throw up walking into that class. It's not that I hate learning French. But the language professors at this university are retards. They are so rude and mean. My professor expects us to pick up the concepts she is teaching us and apply them perfectly in speech in the matter of 5 minutes. Like..last class she taught Expressions of Emotion. She literally wrote them on the board, taught us how to use them an then expected us to start using it in speech like three minutes later. People were confused. And then she gets mad when we don't say it right and she does this number...."Vite vite!" which means "Fast fast!" Like she wants us to speak it fast and with precision and it's like "Woman, I hate to tell you this but we are not going to use French in our lives unless we move to France or some other Francophone country." If I do use French after this class it'll be completely recreational. The only reason anyone is taking that class is because they HAVE to, to graduate. She's acting like we're all going to be airlifted to France any second now and will have to fend for ourselves in French. Which isn't that hard I've done it before. Sadly, in America...we speak English and ONLY English. Fuck this Spanish shit they're trying to integrate into our country. Now, one day I might want to move to Europe. If that's the case then I will use my French when appropriate. But honestly, I have more appropriate things to deal with in my life than learning how to say "I like to make crepes" in French the correct way. They also like to humiliate you in front of everyone. It's like they get off on that. If they're having a bad day...they'll pull out the worksheets and start making you fill them out. They give you like two minutes to do the whole thing and then expect you to go down the row and answer the questions. They don't even give us enough time to read the fucking directions! It's all in French and I'm not a native speaker so by the time I get a grasp on the directions she's calling on people! That's not how people learn. If they really wanted you to learn then they wouldn't take their emotional problems out on students. That's how I failed French 102 the first time. My professor was an emotional wreck and that's how he got his kicks. Making people feel like shit. There's one girl in my class majoring in French Education and she isn't even keeping up because of my professor. It's nuts.
It's passed my bedtime right now. This entry has really no purpose to it. I'm so depressed and numb that I can't even feel anything right now. I feel like I need pills. Like....to make me feel nothing. Jude and I spoke briefly on MSN tonight. He wanted to show me some stuff that he was looking up on the Internet. That is Jude's FAVORITE recreation. Showing me links to websites and videos and pictures and things that he thinks I will like. Maybe that's his way of trying to relate to me. Either way....it has made me feel a little better for the time being. I would be stupid to say that I didn't care about him. I would be a liar if I said that he wasn't important to me. The thing about me and Jude is...I didn't just lose my boyfriend..my lover...I lost my best friend in the world. And that somehow makes it 80 times worse.
I took a two hour nap today and my body is STILL crying out for sleep. Even though I slept 9 hours last night. This grief is really getting to me. I made a tiny egg salad sandwich out of polymer clay and silicon tonight. I will use that as today's picture.
God bless.

End Day 44