Day Fifty-Three: My Special Friend

It's a really hard thing for me to do....cry in public. But for some reason right now I've been through about enough. So much that these tears won't stay where they belong...behind my eyes. And I'm surrounded by people. It's times like these when I wish I would have gotten those sunglasses.

I'm a wreck. A complete emotional wreck. I wore...wait for it..........YOGA PANTS to school today. If you can remember from my previous entries how I feel about myself wearing YOGA PANTS to school, you must know that my life is in a shambles right now. I'm wearing light blue yoga pants, a black t-shirt and my hair unblowdried in a ponytail. I'm rocking the ponytail plus headband look. I have to wear my tennis shoes with my yoga pants too because yesterday I stepped on a piece of glass and cut my foot in two different places. I probably don't need a tetnis shot.......I don't think. It wasn't deep enough. Anyway I can't wear flip flops because my foot is bandaged and it would get...infected if I let it out in the open. Anyway. Sorry that was gross.

I still cannot eat. Some of you may recall my grief entry when I didn't eat. Well I'm still not doing that. The sight and smell of food makes me ill. My friend Brittany and I did our normal Thursday morning coffee or breakfast thing after our 8 AM bio lab. She MADE me eat. She bought me a turkey wrap which I took two bites of and felt like I was going to vomit. It's not that it was a bad sandwich. I'm not into food anymore. Speaking of which....I'm under 200 lbs as of yesterday! I haven't been under 200 in 4 years and last night I weighed myself and I was at 198 WITH my special visitor of the month. And all girls know that our special visitors make us gain about 4-5 pounds. So I'm 198 with my visitor. Which is awesome. :) I will attribute that to being depressed and not eating but at least my stomach is shrinking. I eat 1/4 of what I used to in high school....and that to me is an accomplishment. I'm going to start kickboxing so I can have a toned ass and beat people up. Ok. That's retarded I'll never beat anyone up. But I've never been defended by anyone else in my life so why should I start letting people defend me if someone tries to rape me. I want to take that sukka out!! I'm already good at punching people in the face. Now I need to get good at kicking people in the face. I'm also going to start playing volleyball if someone wants to plaaaaayyy :D. I used to be really good and I used to play on a team.....when I was 11.....anyway. LOL But now I'm 10 years older and a little rusty so I'll go easy on you. :)

Anywho. I haven't heard from my special friend in a few days. I don't know if I've talked about my special friend before. My special friend is a guy that I'm kinda...sweet on. Like...no like way more than sweet....it's more like I'm hot for him lol. Like burning up, 300 degrees hot for him. This special friend and I aren't dating but it's not entirely impossible that we will one day. Maybe. Possibly. I'd say it's about a 50/50 shot right now....he might think something different but it's not like I can ask him right now. We've both got a lot on our plates. But I would be lying if I said I didn't care about him. A lot. Ok fine. I think about him at LEAST 4 times a day. That's not weird I don't think. My special friend has a few problems just like me and our primary means of communication is text message. I found out this morning that he's been going through a lot lately and I'm worried SICK about him. Like literally I threw up this morning I was so worried about him. He didn't text me though, he sent me a message on my YouTube inbox which was...random. I really hope he's ok. This is my reason for crying in public. Ok....not the only reason. I'm crying for A LOT of reasons but I am legit scared for him. I just wish....he would tell me that he's all right. I would just like to hear from him. Because truth be told I miss him and I am like....so stressed that something happened to him. Why the hell don't I live near ANYONE that I care about??? I don't even live near my own fucking family! Ugh. Isolation.

I have also realized that the reason I am even alive right now is because of liquids. While solid food and I haven't spoken for about....mmmmm....two weeks....liquids and I have been hanging out a lot. I drink a lot of milk, a lot of Coke, a lot of juice....a LOT of rootbeer, a lot of tea and a lot of...*swirls liquid around in cup* whatever this delicious cinnamon flavored milkiness this is that Brittany bought for me this morning. I suppose that provides some kind of nutrition. Well Coke probably doesn't. It just makes me feel bloated and full which takes away from the feeling of the front of my stomach trying to eat my spine. That feeling is really REALLY familiar lately. And in some sick way I kind of like it. It makes me glad to know that I'm hungry and I literally do not care. Which if you know my track record in high school where I medicated every emotional problem with food and never skipped a meal...it feels like an accomplishment.

I would like to note that SOMEONE smells amazing in this cafe and I can't figure out who it is. It's definitely a girl.....or a gay man....WHO IN HERE IS WEARING THE NICE PERFUME? I MUST KNOW THE BRAND! I have a real issue with collecting fragrances. I love perfume. I always smell really good. That's my signature thing. Everyone alway hugs me and is like *hugs longer*...."you smell so gooood". It's awesome. Wait.....*smells shirt*......I think the smelling good person is actually myself. XD Wow Katie. I'm wearing Thierry Mugler's "Lily" today. ^.^ I smell like a spring flower. Ok I'm going into that "on drugs" mode again so I will end this entry.

Today's picture is of my cinnamon milky goodness from Jazzman's. It has my name on it. :D

End Day 53