I have come to the conclusion that either I am A) completely sick in the head or B) being tormented by the forces of nature.
I have come to terms with by now that I'm getting old. I mean not old. But older. I am no longer allowed to be a child. I cannot go trick-or-treating, I am legally an adult in a little over a month. I'm applying for graduate school. I have to pay for my own living and my mommy and daddy do not take care of me anymore. I'm a big girl now. I am independent. Or at least supposed to be. Even if in my mind I'm still 16 years old. I won't EVER understand how all of a sudden I became 21 years old. Literally. It's like I turned 16 and whatever happened after that is like....what the fuck? I must have taken a wrong turn because WHERE AM I? My little cousin Evan..who is like a brother to me...who I picked up and threw in the pool during summers...my baby bean...is FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD. No. That's can't be right. He was like...10 last time I looked at him. Now he's like 5 foot 11 and has a deep voice and likes girls. When did this happen? And why am I OLD? This is distressing to me. Quite distressing.
While all the other girls and boys my age are interning and owning their own vehicles and becoming members of society I'm refusing to get a job and I still talk to my stuffed animals. (There is NOTHING wrong with that! Shut up) And while I sit in my Adolescent Psych class and Professor Umbridge (who is becoming less and less of a crack head as the semester progresses) I can't help but look around and think, "Does anyone else feel like this kind of applies to them too?" And actually that's not weird.
According to my textbook, the borderlines between adolescence and adulthood are completely different for everyone and vary amongst cultures. Some people don't become adults until their mid-20s. Although some theorists have created a separate stage of life for these people called "Young Adulthood". And this is my opinion. You can't put stipulations on people like that. Take me and a girl that I went to High School for instance. I will name this girl...L. L goes to nursing school. Which is a 2 year program. I am a psychology major, which is an 8 year program. L's family isn't very close. L's family pretty much pushed her out of the nest when she was 16 years old, gave her a car and said "have fun". My family didn't let me get in a vehicle until I was 17. They didn't let me have a job. They really didn't let me have friends. They wanted me to stay close to the family unit. I don't really drive. I cannot afford a vehicle right now and as intense as my studies are I cannot take on a job. So the result would be that from the start, L was a more independent person. Her schooling takes less time and costs less money. L doesn't have to rely on her parents as much. Me, my parents pay for my schooling and my apartment at the moment. I will be taking up the responsibility of apartment cost next year. I'm attending a four year undergraduate program right now that costs more money. Hence I am more reliant on my family. Especially because I don't have a car. Even though L is the same age as me...we're on totally different levels of development. That doesn't say ANYTHING about who we are as people and how we've developed mentally. It's just our situations in life are different. And I figure that somewhere along the line that will balance itself out. But certainly I feel much more of an adolescent than L would. Because of the parental dependency thing. I don't LIVE with them, I take care of myself on a daily basis. But the reason I even have a place to live right now is because of my father.
But this isn't what I wanted to talk about. I want to talk about dating. Typically...since the beginning of puberty, I have always dated younger guys. My first boyfriend at 13 was a year younger than me. That was a joke. My second boyfriend was a year younger than me. My 3rd boyfriend was the same age as me. My fourth was 2 years younger than me. My sixth was the same age as me. And my seventh was 2 years younger than me. I have NEVER dated someone older. I don't know why that is. I like younger guys. If I'm going to play psychologist right now, I would deem it some kind of...deep seated need to nurture and to care for and to teach...if you know what I mean. I like to be the experienced one. But for some reason when it comes to decision making and sex I like to be submissive. Strange. Anyway. But I've never been into the massive age differences. My sister does this. She is 17 years old and only dates older men. She loves them in their early twenties. But I've never gone for anyone HER age or younger. First of all I think that's illegal here. In the US the age of consent is 18 years old and the shit that happens to people that get messed up in that is NOT pretty. I understand why the law is there. In my opinion I think it's reasonable. So I've never flirted with it. Besides, all the 15, 16, 17 year old boys are like...babies! Little. Skinny. Pubescent. Until I met C.
C has made everything go awry in the most adorable way possible. C literally smiled his way into my life. I'm a smiles person. I've mentioned this before. C had me at the very first smile. It's gorgeous. And without exaggeration at all...it is literally the most gorgeous smile I have ever seen on a human being. His mouth is like...shaped like a strawberry. He's got a full upper lip (which gets me every time) and sort of a pout. And he has lovely teeth. He's got the whole vampire teeth thing going on which my closest friends know sends me off the deep end. And then there's the Celtic god hair and the sad, droopy eyes, his thick eyebrows. Oh dear God why do you test me so?? C...does not look his age. If C never told anyone his age everyone would think C was 21 years old. This is the general consensus amongst my internet friends. I'd like to mention that C is an internet fried as well. I have not taken part in any delinquent activities. But I look. And who can't help but look? I look, and I blush and I look away. What the hell is that all about? I will not mention C's age here to avoid flames. If C looked like a normal boy his age I swear to God this wouldn't be an issue.
And then comes his personality. I have never..ever...witnessed such a sweet, wholesome, kind, gentle, caring and intelligent person. His eyes speak of years far far older than he really is. We have a lot A LOT in common. I'm starting to realize this more and more and he's...pensive and sensitive and pretty much my ideal man. And the kicker is...even though he lives overseas...before I even met him I was planning on moving to his country around the area where he lives. Now. What the hell? Why is this being set up this way? Is this supposed to be happening to me? Is this good? I am so confused. It just doesn't seem fair especially because I never asked to be 21 years old yet!
They say that when trauma occurs, sometimes, you mentally freeze in whatever age you were at that time. My mother is the epitome of this phenomenon. She is physically 55 years old, but when she was a teenager, her family treated her like a piece of shit and now she is mentally frozen as a 16 year old girl. I'm not saying because she parties like she's a teenager. I mean LITERALLY she does not have the reasoning of someone her age. Her thought process is exactly that of a 16 year old girl. When I was 15 years old I was doped up. It's my fault. I did this to myself. I asked my psychiatrist for behavior meds. I felt like it was going to make me happier. I felt like it was going to make me a better person. It didn't. All it did was make me completely mental and numb every emotion and feeling I could have. I remember lying on my back in my room staring up at the ceiling for 7 hours. Just lying there. Not feeling. Not wanting to move. Not wanting to eat. Wanting to hurt myself. To hurt other people. Being fifteen was a scary place for me. And I wouldn't really want to go back to that point but, I'm afraid that this fear of growing up comes from the feeling that I never really got a chance to be young. Playing parent to my sister. Figuring out life by myself with no guidance. And then being treated like a science experiment until I was 19 years old by doctors because they couldn't figure out why I was gaining ridiculous amounts of weight in such a short period of time! I was injected and extracted from more times that I can count in the last 4 years. I have to cry a little bit while I write this. It's almost too much for me to remember. I never got a chance to be young. And this has been a burden on my chest for a very long time. Meeting C and in a sense "falling for him" has just brought these issues to the forefront and I'm not afraid to talk about them anymore.
Do souls have ages? I don't think so. You can say someone is "an old soul" but, the actual soul...is there an age? I guess you would have to answer the question, "are there souls at all?" Is everything completely physical or is there something more to who we are? And does it really matter? Where C comes from this isn't illegal. Well it won't be. Soon. I compared the ages of consent in each country and I wondered why it was that they were vastly different. It's a culture thing I think. Why are Europeans always more mature? Why do they drink earlier than us? Why do they DRIVE later than us? Why do Americans force the issue of "young forever" down our throats? Why is it different? From what I have seen, and what I have experienced, people in Europe tend to be more mature thinkers than Americans. They're definitely schooled better. They're exposed to more culture. I guess with maturity there is more privilege. I wonder if that's why it's different?
But what I cannot ignore is that smile. I cannot stop looking into the eyes of one of the kindest people I have met. I can't stop being interested in someone who genuinely makes me happy. Who makes me laugh and puts a smile on my face even when my world feels like it's coming down on top of me. I will not stop getting to know C. Laws of different societies cannot stop people from knowing one another and interacting with each other. That's ludicrous. But it's happened before....meh. But that's a bit too political for my taste. You can hate on me. Tell me I'm a sick person. It's fine. I'll take it. For now I've found a friendship in someone that fascinates me on all levels. And I think that is the best thing anyone can ever have.
I will end this with an Amy Lee quote:
"But who can decide what they dream? And dream I do..."
End Day 49
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