Day Fifty Part One: Deactivating the Filter

I'm going to use a quote from my sister to start this entry:

"Katie, I live my life these days without a filter. I just say whatever the hell I want and I don't regret it. Because you never know when it's all going to be over."

This is a practice that I have been implementing in my life lately. The "No Filter" practice. To me it is the most important thing you could do for yourself, above quitting smoking, exercising, or eating right. Deactivating the filter.

We as humans tend to live our lives completely ruled by the filter. "I can't say this. And oooh no, I won't tell that person because he might hate me." I bet you've said that before, at least something to that effect. We don't do things because we're scared of judgment. We withhold important information from people because we're scared of rejection. We do it. All of us. And it's normal. It's natural. It's completely 100% the common thing to do. And removing the filter from our lives is one of the hardest things to do. Because it means we're going to get hurt. It means that people are going to reject you and people are going to laugh at you and people are going to tell you, you're wrong.

I guess with me I have lived my entire life being told "you're wrong". "You're stupid." 'You can't." So it doesn't have as much of an effect on me. That's why I'm not afraid to write this blog. People message me, "I would never have the balls to say what you say". And I return their statement with "Why?" Some people tell me, "You can only say the things you do because you're hiding behind a computer screen." Please. Suck my dick. Come over for lunch sometime. I'll make you something to eat and I'll tell you everything I'm saying now to your face. It might not be so witty and artfully crafted as it is in writing but it will be the same idea. I say what I want and how I want it. If you get offended or you have a problem with what I'm saying then challenge me. Produce an argument. Don't just stand there giggling to your cohorts, "wow she's a total freak"...TELL ME WHY I'M A FREAK. It literally does not matter to me. Because at least I said what I wanted to say.

It would be the biggest travesty if I died and no one ever knew what I had to say. That's everyone's crisis right now. People don't realize how urgent it is to be heard. They think, "I have all the time in the fucking universe" and then before you know it you're in your fucking 20s and and those people that were important to you aren't even in your life anymore. It is URGENT. I witnessed this last week when my sister's friend passed. Not 17 years old yet and dead. Did she get to say what she wanted before she died? Because if she didn't THAT....that right there is the tragedy. Being unheard.

I won't be unheard. The other day I was in class and I noticed one of the guys in my class had gorgeous eyes. When I was 15 I would have stared at him and internalized my need to tell him that he had gorgeous eyes and then go home and cry about it, "Why didn't I tell him?" SO many times in my life have I deployed the filter and I regretted it. So I told that boy what I was feeling. "You have gorgeous eyes." He blushed. He might have been a little embarrassed and the girls around me laughed at me. But that boy...would probably walk with a spring in his step for the rest of the day because someone gave him a compliment like that.

That's why I love Luna Lovegood. Everyone knows Harry Potter. If you DON'T know Harry Potter STEP AWAY FROM THE TWILIGHT BOOK AND READ SOME REAL LITERATURE. Luna Lovegood has no filter. And that's what I love about her character. She says what ever the fuck she wants, she wears what the fuck she wants and she does what the fuck she wants and she literally does not give a flying flip in hell what people think of her. That's wonderful. If Luna Lovegood was a real person I would be best friends with her. Best friends.

I tell people how I feel. If I'm attracted to you I'm going to tell you I'm attracted to you. If I think you're repulsive I'm going to tell you nicely....if you're getting in my face. I'm not going to go up to some random person and be like "you're gross." But if a guy that I'm really not into is getting up on me I'm going to tell him, "No thank you sir, you're not my type." If I want to wear TYE DYE leggings under my gym shorts (like I did last week) I WILL GOD DAMMIT! And people laughed at me and told me I looked like a dork and I was like, "Well thank you." This life is TOO short to live with the filter activated. People tell me all the time, "Katie you're too forward, you're too bold." Good! I'm glad! Because if I get struck by a vehicle when I walk out of my apartment complex today (which ALMOST happened last week! Yikes!) and I die, that's how you're going to remember me. If I tell you, "I love you", or "I think you're really cute and I care about you", that is going to be your special memory of me when I'm gone. I'm not saying I'm GOING anywhere. People tend to get up in arms when I talk about dying because of my track record with that. But I'm not going anywhere. But we'd all be stupid if we thought there wasn't a chance that...we could....at any point in time. And I want the last thing I say to you to be full with truth. I want it to be bold. I never want to die never having told you that I care about you, or that I love the way you wear your hair, or that you're my best friend in the entire world, or that you really helped me get through this and that I really really love spending time with you. Even if it might make you uncomfortable when I say it....you'll remember it. And when we're not together you'll think on that and say, "Katie cares about me" and it will be a good thing.

This is part one of today's entry. I have an exam to go take now, but I will be back and I will write on another topic that I wanted to discuss today AND catch up on the weekend which some of you may have noticed isn't there. Ooops. Lol.

End Part One