I feel like I’ve digressed about 3 months. After spending 24 hours in my sane place back at college where I’m not exposed to the hyper-emotional atmosphere of my family’s household, I’ve been able to think rationally and realize that’s where I am right now. Three months ago I still could not stand on my own two feet comfortably and three months ago I was still stuck on the idea of him. Except now the feeling is layered with a thin sheet of resentment and hate. I should know better than to talk to Jude when I’m at my parents’ house. I had a rough weekend starting with a death and ending with my father being pissed at the world. Jude just needs to understand that when I go home you really can’t take anything I say seriously or to heart. Not that I said anything ugly to him. I’m just hyperemotional. I’m already emotional but when I go home it’s like my family gives me depression injections hourly.
Every second it’s something else why I should be upset or why I should hate something or how someone said this to someone else and it made them upset. My father and mother are signing this divorce papers this week. My mother is pissed to the max that my father won’t file sooner and she thinks he’s “putting off the divorce so that she won’t be able to buy her new house”. So every ten minutes all I hear about is how horrible her life is because her husband won’t divorce her. My father is pissed to the max all the time because he’s depressed that his wife doesn’t love him anymore and that he’s lost his job and that he has no money. He got drunk Friday night seriously just to numb the pain. My sister’s friend just died on Friday and that’s pretty much ALL I heard about in between my mother’s complaints and my father’s foul mood swings.
I spent the first 24 hours in Covington at a memorial service watching everyone blubber. NOT that there wasn’t reason for it. Death is NEVER a good thing and it’s contagious. What I mean by that is, one person dies and suddenly everyone else thinks it’s a good idea to die with them so you got people committing suicide. No one’s done that yet but apparently my high school is preparing for the worst. I mean….800 hormonal female teenagers just lost one of their own…it doesn’t take SCIENCE to figure out what might happen. So I mean…this whole controversy with Jude over the weekend was a direct product of my family. And he should know that by now. He knows my family like he was a part of it.
But in the process of being overly emotional I’ve found out a few things about Jude that I didn’t want to find out. And that’s basically that he cheated on me in his mind for our entire relationship. He relayed that to me by saying “Remember all the times when you thought something was going on with me and Shelby? Well there was.” Now. I don’t want to believe that. Because Shelby and I USED to be friends. Shelby is Jude’s long time best friend. And I’d love to believe that Shelby is in love with Jordan, her long time boyfriend. I would love to believe that Jude was just being angry and tired at the time and said things he doesn’t mean. I also CANNOT believe that Jude is IN LOVE with Shelby. Jude has no idea what it would be like to be in a relationship with her. And again, I’d like to believe that he was just mad and was lashing out. EITHER WAY, I realized what a hateful person he really is. And that makes me sad. Because this truly seems to be a recent development. When Jude and I were together we had a lot of fun. There were a lot of rough times but he was never hateful to me. He would get angry and impatient but never hateful. This is something new that he developed and I’m not sure if that’s grounds for extermination from my life completely or not.
Basically, I’m still under the impression that I need him. Now, my logic tells me this is not so. I am a very attractive person. I have some wear and tear on me, I am a little overweight but I am NOT hideous. And to say that I am is just FALSE. I am very smart. Last week I stood up in front of my psychology class and presented an argument to my psychology professor that NO ONE else in my group could do. I am straight up intelligent. Jude is too. I think that’s why we got along in the first place. We both are good in school and make good grades when we apply ourselves. Jude just uses 75% of his brain for storage of useless facts and trivia. Which is…whatever. Everyone to his own I suppose. But I’m saying that as I sit in this library typing this entry, I look over the rows of people sitting around me and I realize that I have about 80% more potential to succeed in life than everyone sitting around me. That’s not cocky it’s just who I am. My major, my competence level, and my unwillingness to think ONLY of recreational activities widely contribute to this. I am also a very kind person. Today in biology class a boy failed to write down 25% of the slideshow, and wandered up to me and asked me if he could copy my notes. I didn’t have anywhere to be so I sat there for an extra 20 minutes letting him copy my notes. If I had had somewhere to be I would have asked for his email so that I could send them to him. I’m very generous and kind and selfless. And those are very attractive qualities to the RIGHT kind of people.
People who like mean, hateful, smart aleck, rude, bossy, or excessively tan women have PROBLEMS. Jude falls under this category by the way. He seems to find friendship in the most hateful, rude people. I think that’s where he’s getting it from. It’s a shame he has to be exposed to that kind of behavior. It’s only making him a terrible person. Anyway. Bottom line is…I’m an extremely competent person. So why have I resorted to carrying around his jacket all day. Like this piece of material is going to transform into him any minute. It’s a crutch. I don’t need people to tell it to me. I am in love with the idea of him. Basically that’s what it boils down to. I am not in love with Jude anymore. I am in love with who he used to be, with the idea of him, and with the way he looks. That is all. I seriously CANNOT find the ability to love him like I used to. And who would? I mean after what he has done to me. I think there would be something seriously wrong with me if I could say in all seriousness that I am still truly in love with Jude as a person. I think that pretty much changed finally on Friday.
Here’s the part I fail to understand. Jude tells me he hated being with me because it was emotional and scary. Now. The girl that apparently he is IN LOVE with is JUST as emotionally unstable as me if not more. And he HIMSELF even admitted that to me that we are “very alike” and “act the same”. Awhile ago before Jude and I split, Shelby and I ran into some kind of confrontation because apparently she thought I was using her. Which was not the case but everyone sees things in their own light. Even AFTER I apologized to her, up and down the street she continued to shout at me and tell me how fucking ridiculous I am and how shitty of a person I am every time I would go to speak with her after that she would fly off the handle at me over something stupid. Now. If that is not emotionally unstable then I don’t know what is. She even told me, “I have a lot of stuff I’m dealing with in my life that makes me emotional.” I think that’s pretty much the definition of why I behave the way that I do. I have SO much shit in my life right now, mostly coming from my family and before it was them and Jude’s problems combined. So pretty much….he’s leaving me in the dust because I’m EMOTIONAL and SCARY for someone who is equally EMOTIONAL and SCARY. It really REALLY does not make sense to me at all. I feel like I’m in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”! It’s like…if everyone else around you is completely mad…and completely off their rocker….and you are the only sane person….then you are going to be the insane one because you’re the odd person out.
Frankly, I’m sick of feeling like I’m taking crazy pills. I’ve completely resigned myself to the fact that I’m not insane. I am not the one with problems. I might be emotional and I might be going through a lot right now but I am so strong. If anything, I have exemplified strength in my life while people like Jude have only showed cowardice because they run away from their problems. I know this is completely contrary to my future profession and major, but right now I need to stay away from the crazy people. At least until I have a certificate that says I can medicate them. Jude and I have decided to take a week to not speak to each other. And I think this is a good practice. I don’t really want to speak to him because for once in my life I am actually ANGRY with him. I used to call it, “Being sad with him”. I am not sad with him at all. I am pissed fucking off. I hear that is the last stage of grief before the world starts to get better. Right now, I AM grieving. Grieving for wasted time, grieving because I am still sexually attracted to Jude, grieving because I miss the person he used to be, grieving because right now I am alone, grieving for those memories with him that I just found out meant nothing to him, grieving because I have to. It’s only the natural thing to do. And how am I dealing with that grief? Well so far I’ve been sleeping a lot. I’ve resigned completely from eating. I am literally shaking I am so hungry right now but I cannot eat. I packed some leftover potatoes from my dad’s dinner last night for lunch and I only sat there picking small pieces off and touching them to my mouth. I remember this. This is how I lost 20 pounds over the summer. Grieving.
Where Jude’s picture used to be on my phone, I have put a picture of Jesus. I don’t think it’s because I am trying to be super religious in my time of pain…I don’t think that’s it. It’s a visual of someone who was completely selfless. You don’t find those kinds of people anymore. It’s good to know that once there was one, and that possibly he loves me.
End Day 43
You are getting out of the hole, my girl. Slowly but surely.
ReplyDeleteYou are going to inspire so many people, Katie. Your words are POWERFUL.
Rational thought is a blessing, I'll give you that much. Especially if it reminds you of your strengths.
You have been, and always will be, off-the-chart smart. And not to mention gorgeous in ways common folk are too impaired to witness.
I really do wish they could. It's a shame.
Now, here's what I say.
Burn, hide, or donate that jacket. Ordinarily I would say "box it". But this one needs to be obliterated.
Hide the photographs in a file you won't want to reach them in. It's a project devoted to self-preservation.
Don't try to erase the memories. That's not the objective.
You just need to absorb the lessons you learned from him, and keep nothing else.
You're right to say this process is like getting over a death.
But that's just it.
You don't ever GET OVER someone dying. Ever.
What happens is you accept that it happened. Once you reach acceptance, then you are able to let yourself live with this reality.
Yes, my Scorpio, you are emotional.
But flag-nabbit so AM I. So is my roommate, so is my neighbor.
The f**king guy who chucks peanuts out at ball games, yeah even that fool is riding every emotion known to man.
And it's worse, in my humble opinion, to snare those emotions instead of expressing them. I believe there are quite a few statistics that can verify that belief.
Yeah I know I leave long comments. So sue me.
<3