I think possibly if I could just lay down and die that would be the best way to go about this. Because that's all I seem to want to do this afternoon...die. I lie on my stomach really still, hold my breath and hope that everything will just stop working and I die.
In my opinion there is no worse disease in the world than being heart sick. Because it's something that can't be cured. There isn't a cure. Because the only thing that will stop this feeling of utter torment is to be with that person. And that absolutely impossible when the person is thousands of miles away from you and you don't know if they feel the same. Is it a crime? To wonder if they even think about you sometimes? If the thought of you even crosses their mind in a day? Is it a crime to want that? I didn't think so until now. Now I'm wondering if I should be guilty.
Should I stand trial every time I send them a message? Every time I create art for them or write poems for them....should I feel guilty? Am I asking for too much to just hear from them? Am I wrong? Is it wrong to care for him the way I do?
Look. I realize I'm unlovable. I get that. And all of you people that will write "No you're not Katie!" are just wasting my time. You're wasting your breath on me because your words are not countering years and years of evidence that backs up this theory. To me...you're just being annoying. And somehow I've found myself craving just that. To be loved. And not just by anyone. No. My heart has picked out someone specific to burden. And it HAD to be him. Him, the sweetest, most kind and understanding person in the world and I have to fall in love with him. And my heart knows no boundaries. It runs after what it wants at break neck speed and I can't control it. I can't control myself.
And right now he's going through something that I've never experienced before on a close level. Death. I don't understand death. None of my close family has died, no friends...I don't even own pets for this reason. Because I can't handle it. I personally...have almost died...and I guess I understand death from that aspect. But I don't know loss. I know it abstractly. I know it in the sense of relationships, when someone you love for two years walks out on you and never comes back...that's a death in my opinion. Somehow it's even worse than death. Because at least when someone dies....if you believe in an afterlife you can console yourself with the thought of them looking down on you or "being with you in spirit". But the death of a relationship....that person DIES to you. They're not there anymore and you can't hold them or love them anymore but the worst part is that they're not even dead they're actually just hooking up with half their hometown right now and that they left you by choice. So anyway...there's nothing I can really SAY to him that will make this all right. I can't relate.
But because of my empath abilities I can feel his pain. I can feel it like it was my own pain. And it's something I don't understand or comprehend and all I want to do is fix it. I'm a fixer, a healer. This is what I go to school for. I want to fix it for him, I want to make it better. But how? I can't make it any better and NOTHING I say is going to make it all right. Hell I'm pretty sure he doesn't even LIKE hearing from me right now. But there's my weakness. I can't leave him alone. Because maybe I'm selfish, maybe I'm an asshole....I don't think that's the case. I think it's just human nature...to want to take care of those we love when they are in pain.
And this is the part that makes me go stir crazy. He lives about a day's drive from where I live. And while that isn't too bad...we honestly don't know each other like that. I can't just be like, "I'm going to go visit him and bring him a fruit basket"...because we haven't reached that level of friendship...at least I don't think so. I don't even know what's going on. And I would like everyone to refer to my "Deactivating the Filter" post I made...I believe it was day 50....as you can see this is completely contrary to how I live my life. I DON'T censor myself. I DON'T consider comfort-level with most people because that's just the way I am. But he's special. He's probably the most special person I've met. And my main priority is to make him happy. Where that comes from I do not know? I don't know what makes people CHOOSE other people. I've been able to pinpoint a few explanations for why I love this person.
1. It's not a physical thing. I know this for a fact. While the fact that this man is possibly one of the most gorgeous people in the world remains...it isn't a factor in why I care about him. I love him because he makes me happy. Unlike ANY other person in my life. Inexplicably, blissfully, through the roof happy.
2. I love him because he is human. Because he is explicitly and clearly 100% human. He is flawed. He makes mistakes. He has problems. He is pained. He is gorgeously and beautifully imperfect.
3. I love him because he was the one that inspired me to deactivate my filter. Which is kind of ironic that he is the only person I use it around. Well...in this time anyway. I am just trying desperately not to piss him off or fudge anything up since I seem to be really good at that. He told me to, "Never second guess yourself". And so I have done so....everyday...until..recently.
I can't touch him. I can't hold him and tell him it's going to be ok. I hope he has people where he is that can do that for him. And well then if not...that just makes it worse. That's the worst part I think...not being able to physically be there with him. Again...I'm not even sure if he would want me around. I hate how there isn't anything I can do. Nothing. I just hope....that if by some chance he is reading this...that he knows someone out there thinks the world of him. And that if he would only call my name I would be right there. He just has to say the word.
I've been thinking a lot about getting out of here and where I would go. I'm over it. I'm done with this place. This place is empty because now I know what isn't here...what is there that I'm missing out on. It's going to go two ways. If I can afford it (which is looking grim right now) I will go to England. Assimilate into the culture there...forget that I was ever American. Find an English boyfriend that likes bands and goes to shows. Maybe he'll wear plaid shirts and Converse sneakers and wear those shades with slats in them....they look like window blinds to me. I think they look RETARDED. I feel like pulling them off of people when I see them wearing them and be like "You're going to get hit by a moving vehicle because you can't SEE!" The only person who is allowed to wear said glasses is Kanye West. Because that's "his thing". Or on the other hand I could just scrap England (which is probably going to end up happening because I'm POOR) and move to California. Not because of him. Not because that's the cliche thing to do. Because I feel like it's the next logical move. Because basically I want to go to UCLA for medical school....or Standford....yeah Standford. Because basically I want to go to the beach. Because basically I'm sick of living in tropical weather. Because maybe....it is a little bit about him. I could run excuses up and down the street why it's not...but ok....I'll admit it....it's a little bit about him.
Right now I'm working on something for him. In the 16th Century Edmund Spencer wrote a work called the "Amoretti". Which is a series of sonnets for his love Elizabeth Boyle. I have always wanted to write an Amoretti for someone I love. But no one I've ever been with has inspired me until my current special friend. And since my emotional heart has cranked out a few poems for him already I'm going to write him his own Amoretti. And whether or not he chooses to care about me too...it will be a gift for him that he won't ever forget. His very own Amoretti.
This is probably the sappiest song in the entire world by the cheesiest singing group in the world but it's appropriate for right now.
"You can call me selfish, but all I want is your love. You can call me hopeless, baby, because I'm hopelessly in love. You can call me imperfect, but who's perfect? Tell me what I got to do? To prove that I'm the only one for you? So what's wrong with being selfish?"
-"Selfish", N*Sync
End Day 59
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