Day Firty Part Two: The Breaking Point and a Dedication to My Loves

Since I've been using quotations lately I'll use this one from one of my favorite movies, "Phantom of the Opera":

"The tears I might have shed for your dark fate grow cold, and turn to tears of hate."

Christine sings this to the Phantom after he holds her love, Raul, hostage, his life dangling by a thread, with her love as the ransom.
Well...I've never had that happen to me before so I really don't know how Christine feels. In fact...most people have no idea how this feels. That's why it's called a movie. But I can apply it to my life right now.

I think everyone has a breaking point. A point of "That's enough!" My breaking point doesn't come until far far along the line. It takes A LOT to get me to that point when I just meltdown. I finally reached that point the other day.

Loving Jude Jackson is like being on a never-ending roller coaster of hell. HELL. Fiery, scary, lustful, weird, twisted hell. Loving someone who is completely in need of heavy behavioral medication will do this to you. If you really REALLY wanted to know what a psychopath looks like...it's Jude. Jude is textbook psychopath. I would know. I have the God damned textbook right here. And why I dated a psychopath for 2 years is beyond my comprehension. Jude has some beginning stage of multiple personality disorder. I kid you not, I witnessed it myself. And I realized that as he gets older it becomes more and more serious. I met Jude when he was barely 17 years old. And now he's turning 20 in April. Over that course of time, Jude's disease has become more and more apparent. And as a healer, I want to do something for him. And it doesn't help that I was once in love with the boy. I WANT to help him. But I realize I can't. And even if I was certified right now I couldn't. Because even with a fancy plaque to mount on my office wall, I cannot help people who do not want to be helped and I cannot love people who refuse to be loved. I have come to terms with the fact that everything in the universe has a give and take. Everything sparks a reaction and every push needs a pull. And I cannot push if Jude will not pull. I cannot love him if he will not and refuses to accept any kind of affection or acceptance from stable people.

This last month with Jude has been up, down, up, down, up, down. Started when he told me he wanted to get back together. Then he decided he loved Shelby and told me to go fuck myself. Then he came back with "I was so confused. I still care about you". And then the other day...the breaking point. We were on MSN just chatting and I guess I said something that made Jude's personality turn...I don't really know how that works....maybe it just does it on it's own...but all of a sudden he started with "You're so over-sentimental. You're so gross. Just leave me alone. I want nothing to do with you. You're such a piece of shit..." and it goes on. At that point I literally smiled to myself and mouthed "Ok Jude" and blocked him on messenger. The rest of the day I was inexplicably happy. I did not talk to him, I did not call him, I did not show him the time of day because oddly enough...I did not feel upset. I was not mad. I was not sad. I was not in love with him. Something just clicked and said, "That is quite enough." It took two years and 3 months to finally get to that breaking point. I told you it was far down the line.

That night he called me. I had my phone on silent so I don't even know how I noticed the phone was ringing. I had taken his contact out of my phone so a bunch of numbers were showing up as the "Incoming Call". It took me a moment to recognize the number and I answered it cheerfully. His first reaction was, "Hi...you're.....happy?" I replied back with "Yes Jude. I am happy." Did you notice that he EXPECTED me to be upset? Did you notice that he was slightly disappointed when I wasn't? Did you notice what a nutcase he is? I continued that conversation as light-heartedly as ever. His next point was, "Look, I said some really ugly things today and I wanted to apologize for it. I'm sorry." And the thing is that I took his apology and I dropped it. Because for the first time in forever I DID NOT CARE. I was literally like, "Okie dokie." (That's my favorite Rose Nyland saying haha! Betty White....) And I thought at the time the grief would be back. It was only the calm before the storm....but it hasn't come back yet. In fact.....I'm not sad at all. I don't miss him. I don't love him. I don't give a rat's ass what he's doing right now. He logged onto MSN this morning and I did not IM him at all. I don't CARE. The grief is over. It's finished. I'm not living my life like this anymore and it wasn't a voluntary thing...it just happened.

I guess if someone tells you you're a piece of shit enough it becomes old. I guess his little back and forth game finally got boring and my mind just switched it off. The idea of Jude having sex with another woman used to make me sick. Now...I really don't care who it's putting it in. Only that...I feel really sorry for the girl...or the man. Haha! Jude is the kind of man that should wear a warning. The kind that says "Toxic if Loved: May Cause Mental Retardation for a Few Years". But my head is clear. My mind is on other things. I am STILL failing to eat. I lost more weight but I think it's because my body hasn't really had a meal in so long that it doesn't want to eat anymore. That's ok. I know this because I ordered pizza yesterday and ate two bites and didn't want anymore. It's not depression I'm just not used to eating. This has happened before and I will deal with it accordingly. The only problem I have right now is laziness. I won't be lazy anymore though.

Last night I didn't sleep. I kept thinking about things. Thinking about people. Drifting in and out of dreams of people that I don't know. So when my alarm rang at 8 this morning I chose not to go to French class or Statistics. I got up early and studied for my biology exam though and I went and took that to the best of my abilities. Which was pretty good.

I have to credit my breaking point moment to one thing though. Some of you that read my blog have probably seen my new Facebook profile picture. And those of you that do not know what the text in the picture means should know it now. I look down my list of followers on this blog and I see most of you probably know what I'm going to talk about. Some of you that follow via Facebook not Blogger have probably heard me mention it but do not understand it. I'm going to clear this up for anyone who is confused since I've had a few people ask me about it.

This is something I am not ashamed of. For some reason other people in the community are like...totally horrified by the idea of anyone in their family or inner circle knowing about it. I HONESTLY do not see why. I mean granted, it's a little off the beaten track but there's nothing too weird about it to be real. I am part of the YouTube whispering community. Let me just define for you what that is. Bascially...it is a group of vloggers, who do their vlogs (vlogs being video blogs) in a whispering voice. The reason for this is because it is much MUCH more relaxing than a regular voice. Not saying that...some of the whisperers don't use their normal voice sometimes when it is needed, but for the most part we whisper. The purpose of this is for relaxation. Because if you DO NOT know this, there are people out there who cannot sleep. Who have either mental or medical reasons why they cannot fall asleep. That would be me. That's how I found the community. I've tried pills, relaxing music, deep breathing exercises, all to get me to fall asleep. Nothing worked. My insomnia is a special kind of insomnia where my mind literally....LITERALLY won't shut up. It will actually take the part of a song and play it on loop for hours and hours on end. I know this is attributed to my anxiety disorder. I know that if I let the doctors give me sedatives that this would probably go away. But what would you rather do? Listen to your friends talk you to sleep or take heavy medication and kill your liver? Yah. I'd pick the first one too. What whispering does for me...is it gives my mind something to listen to. It is distracting enough that it drowns out the mental noise but soft enough to let me go to sleep. The community started out once upon a time, as solely for relaxation. Back in the day people only did readings and relaxation meditations. It was completely impersonal. However over time...the people in this community started realizing that they liked each other...as people...very much. Through their videos and writing comments and messages to each other, we became friends. And then people started talking about their daily lives and their frustrations and the things that made them happy. Now...we have...almost 300 whisperers and over 1000 listeners. You have your Holy Trinity Whisperers, WhisperingLife, DanishVlog, TheWhisperingvoice that started the group. WanderingWhisper was also part of it's conception. She was the first one that I found. Darling girl she is. Then you have your "oldies", Me (DecayingWhisper), SoothingWhisper, GlisteningWhisper, WaveringWhisper, WanderingWhisper, WhisperSister, WhisperTonic, MissVindicat, ButterflyHyJynx, HushJadey, ChineseWhispering, FurryWhisper TheDeafeningWhisper, TeenyWhispers, TotalRod2...oh there are so many I could pay credit to. There are SO many in this category. And then you have our Newbie Superstars. I call them "Superstars" because showing their face and being pretty are two common trends in their whispers, TheLunarWhisper, WhisperCrystal, CrisperWhisper, WhisperingKnight, SereneWhisper, WhisperHan...like I said...too many to list. Somehow....we all became friends. I mean legit friends. I mean....I am going to visit my buddies soon overseas and I am like...starting to cry thinking about it. These people...these friends of mine...have taken the pain away from me.

Sometimes when my stomach was full of rocks and I felt like I wasn't going to be able to breathe I would just go onto YouTube and listen to their videos about their day and when they give you shout outs and tell you that you're their friend and that you mean something to them...I'm in awe that these people that are so far away from me can care about me so much. And they make me laugh and they make me smile and when I make videos they tell me that they are wonderful and we give each other Internet hugs. We support each other. These people are my rocks. And I love everyone one of you like my own family. Some of you I might have just met, but I can tell you already mean the world to me.

To my loves

<3 Daniel, Joline, Bryan, Beth, Victoria, Maaike, Jardena, Paul, Kade, Iliana, Jen, Calvin <3

Forever in my heart.


End Day 50