Yesterday was a bit of a sigh of relief. It was like this big looming cloud over my head kind of dissipated and took some of the weight off of my stress. Not much, but a bit.
In my last entry I was stressing out over a particular conversation with a particular friend and I was basically eating myself alive over what I thought this person was thinking about me. I do this a lot. This is another personality flaw of mine. If you came into this blog thinking I was perfect, I guess now you have realized that I am a drastically flawed person. I have a lot of issues...a lot of internal issues...bugs that need to be worked out. And to be honest I'm glad I have gotten it out in the open. I'm glad that I write this blog and that people can see me for who I really am. A human being. We tend to like to imagine that we aren't human. That we all have superhuman powers and do not get upset and do not have problems and flawed thought-processes. It's a healing thing to let it out and to get comments from people that I've never had a full conversation with until now tell me, "Your blog has inspired me so much. It helps me get through my day." I don't see anything I write as inspiring. It's basically my emotional garbage. But as the old saying goes, "One man's trash is another's treasure." So I would like to say, I'm glad I could help. And thank you. For allowing me to share my thoughts and issues with you. Maybe you simply read this for the drama. Because you like to see that someone else's life is worse than yours. That's ok too. I can deal with that.
THAT was a completely unrelated tangent but I'm glad we had that talk. Now back to the real topic. I got on Skype. That particular person was on there and I guess I got some momentary balls and I asked this person if I had ever hurt them? This person is so fragile. They are so...cute and innocent and young that I'm almost petrified that I'm going to hurt them. It's like holding a little fragile flower. One sudden move and they could break. That's my perception anyway. This person may not be like that at all but that's the kind of vibe that they give to me. Of course they said no that I never hurt them. Of course. And I believe them. I really do. Normally my low self esteem would be like, "No you're lying!" But this time I chose to believe them and left it at that. He let me vent to him about what's been going on in my life and he's been really supportive about it and the conversation ended on good terms. And after that cloud had dissipated, I realized that the underlying feeling that was causing this issue was jealousy. There we go. There's my good old friend jealousy. Told you. Jealousy is such a stalker. It's that stalker friend that knows everything about your life and always constantly wants to be in it. Yep. And I really don't know how to tell jealousy where to go.
This particular mode of jealousy that I'm experiencing is the very one that I wrote about over the weekend. The YouTube jealousies. It's such an unattractive thing. It really truly makes me feel like a worthless person. But it has nothing to do with my views or subscribers. I am overly grateful for what I have. It's the friendships that people are forming that I cannot be a part of. And I guess that digs up old middle school trauma.
I'm truly disappointed in myself that I let my jealousy cause this problem. Because honestly, something that I do a lot.....I assume that people feel a certain way about me or that they think a certain thing about me because it gives me a reason to feel insecure. This is completely subconscious when it happens. But a lot of times it's an internal conflict with myself. I'm not secure in myself. I've come a LONG way since my teenage years and even since I turned 20. I'm a completely different person now than I was on my 20th birthday. I'm a little bit more sure of who I am, a little bit more confident in my abilities. I have a little more self worth, I'm healthier, I'm more focused. All those are positive things. But I'm not going to say that there aren't trace elements of who I was still left in me. A lot of times I feel inadequate. That's a step up from wanting to die all the time and feeling like I shouldn't even be alive. I'll take inadequate any day over that mindset. My feelings of inadequacy haven't really affected me like this in a very long time. I really got carried away.
I think that when there are other stressful elements playing in my life...and I become more vulnerable...my self esteem or lack thereof plummeted and pretty much took over my mind. I have so much shit going on in my life right now. With my dad losing both of his jobs and being broke on the brink of filing bankruptcy, my mother pitching hissy fits every chance she gets about how she has to work two jobs and how she can't find a new boyfriend and how she's alone and how she doesn't have enough money to buy a house and how she hates my father and how secretly she just wants me to fix all her problems because I'm the only one that listens to her. My sister's personal life, her feelings of inadequacy, getting her into college, her relationship problems, no...scratch that...EVERY single problem she has...all of those things get laid on me. I have always been the velcro wall in my family. The person that everyone comes to with their shit. The person that's expected to take care of everyone else's shit or at least listen to it and provide advice. Everybody sticks everything on me like velcro. And it's impossible for me to not let them because I love them and they are my family and what kind of person would I be if I didn't...call my sister's boyfriend to find out why he hasn't spoken to her in three days? You know?
Then on top of that I'm TRYING to get my GPA up this semester so I can have a decent score to get into a graduate school in California. Why the fuck is California a big deal? Like..."Oooh California! Our cost of living is like 80% higher than everyone else's (that's totally made up I'm just shit talking) and our schools are harder to get into! (that's not made up I speak from experience)" But how am I supposed to get my GPA up when I'm taking 5 classes, one of which is run by a professor that thinks she is literally the only professor at UL. Giving us two papers a week, on top of staying a float in Statistics class, on top of reviewing every night for biology, on top of getting up at 6 am every Thursday to go look at diatoms under a microscope in lab, and try to walk away with my dignity from French class. It's ENOUGH. I have a full plate. I'm dealing with a five course meal right now.
Random switch of personality: There is a little boy walking around this cafe with a bag of chips under his arm that is bigger than him. *sparkly eyes* AWWWWWW!!! *squeaks*
Now back to your normal program. I wish I had a man. Not like a clingy...whiny "make me a sandwich woman" man. Like an independent, knows what the fuck he's doing, no bullshit kind of man. And by bullshit I mean he doesn't sleep around or watch lady porn or steal my debit card for his own pleasures. I want someone that I can support and he can support me. I wouldn't mind if he had issues. I love people with issues. I have SO many issues. And I love sharing issues. This is exactly why I'm becoming a psychologist. I love other people's shit. Heh. Shit.......hehe. Sorry...my mind turned into a 5th grader all of a sudden. I want someone that can trust me with his problems and I can trust him with mine and we can support each other and love each other and help each other be overall productive people together..............................and I want cuddles. Lots of cuddles.
I just overheard someone's conversation and it was weird. "He's over at my house right now drinking my maple syrup"..........WHAT?! People at school are weird! That's almost as weird as what I heard some girl say on her phone last week. Apparently her best friend takes "porn lessons". The shit you hear in the UL library cafe.....weird.
End Day 52
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