Day Thirty-Four: Learning to Trust

As time goes by, I start to realize certain character flaws in myself. I've never considered myself to be perfect or completely flawless by any means. But I guess over the years I've gotten very self-righteous about certain aspects of myself. One of them being my ability to love. I've spent the last few months slowly becoming bitter, simmering over the idea that my ex-boyfriend is missing out on the best love there is and that I absolutely was the hero in this relationship and he was the definite villain. Now of course this way of thinking is petty and false. It is the mind-workings of a scorned woman trying to get a grip on her life after a humongous storm. I think that after simmering for a few months, I've begun to get a grip on myself and I've been able to think logically and clearly about what happened in our relationship.
I will never go back on the idea of Jude and I as soul mates. After all this time I still stand strong by that belief. I've just been looking at it as, "two soul mates that aren't allowed to be together". Because that's happened before. I guess when school started I began to get my wits about me and start to look at other men. By that time I realized, the boy ain't coming back, so why not shop around a bit or at least look at what's available. And the more I delve into the idea of dating someone else the more I do not like the idea at all. I mean, 99% of the men I've run into, I have not been able to accomplish the kind of bond that Jude and I had. What can I say? Jude set the bar pretty high. Anyone who ever looked at Jude and I said, "oh that really works". We were like...specially made for each other. So trying to replicate that kind of bond with another man is like...impossible. I've had a few offers. None that I'm too interested in. Well one of them was an immediate NO, and the other I had to think about for a little while and grapple with the idea of dating him. And in the end it turned out no. I refuse to date someone I'm not attracted to simply on the basis that I feel sorry for them and they are a guilt-tripping little jerk sometimes, even if they won't admit it. Then there were the ones that I offered. I asked them out. I know...whatever....this isn't traditional behavior. But I've never been traditional. I chased this one guy around for almost a year and finally when he gave up and gave into my ways, he showed me a side of him that was very immature and ugly and I have now waved him off. I shouldn't be chasing anyone anyway. If they want me they can chase me now. That's the rules. And the other one that I was chasing isn't biting and with good reasons so...whatever.
In the last week Jude and I have been getting along again. I mean of course there are a few dips in the getting along where we snip at each other for petty things...but overall it feels good. Jude and I never lost contact. For those of you that think that Jude and I became sworn enemies because of the break up due to Facebook's lack of information about our contact...this isn't true. In fact we're both settling on the idea that we never fell out of love with each other and that this breakup was more due to outside influence than was our own problems as a couple. Jude and I do love each other very much. And why not? We're best friends. And that's never going to be any different. I may have gained some sworn enemies from his friends...but that doesn't bother me. My friends and sister are ready to castrate him the moment he steps foot back in the state. Don't worry I'll put a stop to that. I realized that all that matters is Jude and I. Fuck everyone else. Fuck what other people think. Fuck my sister for probably not supporting us getting back together. Fuck his friend Alex for trying to tear me and Jude a part at every chance he gets. Fuck everyone. This isn't about anyone else.
This is where I think everything started making more sense. I realized that about half of what happened with Jude and I, the fights and the general upset, was my fault. And I guess I could psychoanalyze myself til I'm blue in the face, the problem boils down to one thing: I can't trust him. And it's not just HIM. So before anyone goes throwing yellow flags on the field saying "BUT TRUST IS THE BASIS OF ANY RELATIONSHIP. 5 YARD PENALTY", let me just say that it's not just him. It's ANYONE. Everyone and anyone. I have trust issues. And if you want to boil that down further, I have trust issues because I have control issues. And if you want to go even further, I have control issues because I have no self esteem. Or HAD no self esteem. I got to the root of the problem. I've never really been happy with myself, and thus I put myself below every other female, ever other person, every other situation in the world. And I used to control Jude SO much...way more than I ever thought I did because I was so afraid that he would go out and cheat on me or find friends that were better company than me and become more popular than me and not want to be with me. I controlled him because of my own insecurities. And ultimately that DID lead him to cheat on me and to run away because I had such a vice grip on him. I'd like to think that it wasn't entirely a selfish act. I loved him so much. I still do. If you can think about the thing you love the most in the world, the thing that would tear you limb from limb to lose, and multiply that love by 10...that is how much I love Jude. He is my entire world and my entire existence and I don't think he as a person will ever understand that. I don't trust anyone or anything or any situation. Because I am SO on the defensive all the time waiting for something bad to happen and deflect it. I spent SO much time preparing for the worst with Jude that I didn't even have time to actually enjoy myself with him. I'm not saying Jude is a perfect little angel. He certainly did not make things easy for us. He was often irresponsible, he's lazy, he's obnoxious, and when pushed to the limit he is extremely venomous and abusive. (I would like to note here that Jude has NEVER hit me or laid a finger on me in anger). He was also a big baby and needs me to take care of him in a lot of ways.
I'm speaking in the past tense here...he WAS because we've both changed. Sometimes, God makes you walk through fire in order to get somewhere. Like my favorite musician Eminem says in his new song, "Not Afraid": "It's been a ride. I guess I had to go to that place, to get to this one". I love that song. That dude is a genius in my opinion. God set us a part in order to become better people. Over the time I've been a part from him I've learned what pain really is. I used to be a fucking little emo kid running around spitting what I thought was pain. Jude taught me what it was like to be at rock bottom. To have nothing. To have a wiped slate. To have to rebuild and start over. I walked through hell. I died once and then I came back. I learned that I can indeed live and survive without him. I've learned that my own two feet is a good place to stand. I've learned that I'm probably one of the better people I've ever met in my life. I've learned that I'm strong. I'm not as strong as some but I'm pretty strong. I've learned that I'm a fighter. I've learned how to stand up when it hurts to breathe. I've learned that I have worth. I've learned that I am a capable person. I've learned how to try really hard and succeed. I've learned to become a better person.
And as far as I can see, Jude has improved. Maybe a little. I don't know yet. I haven't seen any marked changes but maybe that's just because I can't see clearly not being able to be with him right now. I know that his attitude is better. I know that he's trying harder. I know that he's become more independent. I know that he's learned to interact with others. I know that he's got a job now. A real one. Doing real work. And I'm proud of him. But the test is coming. Jude has plans to come back to UL and set straight what happened between me and him. The part of me that doesn't trust is scared shitless. Running scared to put any weight in this idea. But the part of me knows that it's best to trust him, is working overtime. It's not getting its hopes up too high but it's trying really hard to believe.
And here's the good part. Even if Jude doesn't come back. Even if this never works out again....I have myself now. That's something I didn't have before.

End Day Thirty-Four