Day Thirty-Two: Making Friends

I have to say I've noticed something interesting in the last month. I mean there are a lot of interesting things, but this one in particular is super interesting. I've noticed that...over the last month...people have been very receptive to me. I think this is weird, since people have never been receptive to me in the past. In fact...I've had a horrible time making friends. I don't know if I've covered this before in this blog, but I think now is an appropriate time if ever. I do not get along with people. I do not know why. This is the way it has been my entire life. People and I generally do not mix. I don't know if this is because I have an ugly face, or a geeky disposition, I don't know. But for some reason, people are not very....friendly to me. No matter how friendly I am to them, I never get invited anywhere and it's been this way since I was a little kid. My parents did a really good job of isolating me from people when I was little. I DID get invited to do things, I was just never allowed to go. Either it was too much of a hassle for them to bring me any where or they didn't LIKE the people I wanted to hang out with. This continued until my sophomore year of high school. In fact, I just got used to turning down people's invitations to do ANYTHING because I knew when I got home and I asked my parents they were just going to tell me, "No, I don't think so" and give me a two hour lecture on why I'm the most aggravating thing that ever happened to them. I had such lovely parents. Instead of being worried about my social development, they just cared about having to get in their car and expel energy into helping me become a functional human being. This is why I cannot really give my parents credit for anything I've succeeded in at life because they were excruciatingly under-involved in my development as a person. That one I had to figure out for myself. I guess I could give them a nice big trophy for supplying me with money and things of material value and education. But anything aside from that was all my doing. I found my way in the social world, and as a 21 year old woman I'm finally starting to figure it out.
This is where I think the change happened. This really saddens me that I have to write this but it is the overwhelming truth about people. People respond to physically attractive people. If you have obvious physical flaws the majority of people deem you a social outcast. That's the way it is. I don't like it. In fact I hate it. But if you're...oh let's say...fat...like me....like I always was since 2nd grade, people don't respond to you well. Even if you're a nice person, people don't want to be around you unless you have like..this overwhelmingly upbeat personality. It would also help if you would consume large quantities of alcohol on a daily basis. This seems to be largely something that people do to gain social acceptance. So...if you intoxicate yourself to oblivion on a daily basis AND your fat AND you have an overwhelming personality, you have a shot at making friends. But if you're like me, who does not partake in the consumption of alcohol or drugs, who has a very...mild...chilled out personality and is significantly overweight, people are going to look RIGHT through you. And not just people of the opposite sex. No...I'm talking about ALL people. I can't even catch a break making friends with girls. By the way, I HATE girls. I've decided that I am not identifying with the female human species anymore. I just hate them. I hate the vast majority of them and I hate the way they act and the stereotypes they try to uphold. I'm not saying that I don't have gal pals but they all hate girls too. So....yep lol. Not that I particularly like men either. I really do hate the vast majority of people. Maybe it's just where I live or go to school but it just seems like NO ONE has any kind of depth. At all. It's depressing. BUT! Here's where the change happened. I lost 20 lbs. That's not a SIGNIFICANT amount but you can tell. Everyone has noticed. I've gotten "You look different" or "OMG you lost so much weight." I don't see this. I still look in the mirror in the morning and ask "Why dear Jesus, do I exist?" But apparently I have gained some sort of social acceptance over night simply by losing weight. Because now...people LOOK at me. Some of them sexually, but most of them just look at me and they talk to me and they smile at me. I'm PISSED that it's because I'm thinner but I mean...it's nice to feel like I'm not a complete monster freak of nature. This is my pessimistic theory on why people have started paying attention to me. Here's my dad's theory.
My dad says, that because I've lost weight, I feel better about myself and thus hold myself prouder and my higher self esteem radiates onto people and that's why they're being nicer to me.
I don't agree. I've always been nice to people. I mean I guess I could give the body language part some credit. But I wasn't slouching around because I was depressed, more like...my breasts were so heavy that gravity was starting to take over. This was very painful. My back always hurt, my feet and knees always hurt my hips were hurting...and thus I always had a pained look on my face. Now that I FEEL physically better, maybe that's why I look nicer. But I don't think it's a self-esteem issue. I haven't played the "feel sorry for me" card since I was 17. I think when I turned 18 I got some brains and realized "NO ONE FEELS SORRY FOR YOU." Urg. So anyway.
Today I was in biology lab and the girl who sits across from me started making conversation. Now I don't know...if she's just a really friendly person, because she was friendly with me in the past, but today she was really nice. And she let me copy her graph and told me she was going to library after class and I told her I was too. What I didn't expect was for her to wait for me to be done with my lab and walk with me to the library, sit with me, and get coffee. Now...this might be something that 99% of the population is accustomed to. People interacting with them. But you have to look at me, who doesn't socially interact with anyone outside of her high school friends unit. I was totally taken aback that someone would want to spend time with me. And she was treating me like a totally normal person and probably thinks that I AM normal but in my head I was like "this is literally the first person that's so abruptly wanted to hang out with me". Like with me and Cody it happened over time. We gradually got to the point where we hung out outside of class. Brittany just was like "let's go do this" one day and it startled me. Not that I'm not grateful! I am SO GRATEFUL someone wanted to spend time with me. Like....so happy. It was just something different. She also gave me some pieces of information that were invaluable.
I found out while talking to her that she has PCOS too. Now I know I've discussed this in my blog. PCOS is becoming more and more common here. I think it's what they feed us. Brittany, lost 40 pounds from cutting gluten out of her diet! Like all the major starches. And she was recounting to me her experiences with PCOS. She has it SO much worse than I do. She's had surgeries and ruptured cysts like.....all the time and that sucks! I haven't had one rupture yet *crosses self* (please Dear Jesus protect me) and I haven't had to have surgery (Please dear God save me. But she said she hasn't had anything happen to her since she stopped eating gluten and she is so much more healthy. I think that is marvelous! And she was letting me know all her secrets to being healthy and to managing her PCOS. I truly believe that fate put this girl in my path for a reason. It's just...really nice to be wanted you know? Well anyway. Tomorrow is Friday and I am ready. I need this weekend BAD.
Happy times everyone. No picture today! I've been slacking on the pictures I know. Jude suggested that I illustrate my blogs with my little circle people. I haven't showed you guys my little circle people yet.....haha I think I'll do that this weekend. Anyway! Much love!

End Day Thirty-Two