I'm writing this entry and then I'm going to pretend like it never happened. I want to forget that today was ever in existence. I tried to be productive. Tried to go to the library to study and all that BS. But I ended up getting into a conversation with my ex-boyfriend on MSN. I should just learn to not turn on MSN when I study because just my luck I'll end up having a conversation with someone like the one I had with my ex and it was not nice. Basically the relationship I've had with my ex has been a weird one. For those of you that don't know what actually happened between me and my ex...let me enlighten you from my perspective.
Jude and I dated for two years. This summer was supposed to be our summer. He was supposed to get a job and find a place to live and become an adult. But towards the beginning of the summer his mom came in town and he left with her to go back to South Carolina without telling me what he was doing. In a sense my whole world disappeared in the matter of a split second. The next three months was something like hell. I can honestly say that I've walked in hell before. I've walked through that fire. There were nights when I lay on the floor in fetal position for a total of 24 hours. Just unable to move. Unable to breathe. Unable to think. Just this searing pain my chest that would not go away. There were times when I didn't eat for a week. Times when I threw up blood. Times when I pulled my own hair out from sheer madness over losing the one person I ever loved. I can never forgive him for that. I can never look him in the eyes again. What is done is done. This betrayal can't be taken away. I think it was the isolation too. The fact that NO ONE reached out to me. No one around me at least. That internet friend I was telling you about was there. He was always there. But no one around me reached out to me. Ashley came to visit me a few times. But truth be told sometimes spending time with her boyfriend and her just made things worse. It made me remember what I lost and what I didn't have anymore. What was robbed from me. Most of my friends from back home either A) didn't know about what happened B) Didn't care about what happened or C) were too wrapped up in their own lives to notice how badly I was suffering. I've never come that close to taking my own life. So how can I maintain a relationship with the person who caused me so much pain. I guess because he's been leading me on. Since the moment he left he's been leading me on with his lies, "I'll come back soon", "I'll only be gone for 10 days", "I'm coming back on the 14th", "I'll definitely be back by the time school starts", "I'm not going to enroll at another university"...now the current lie is "I'm only going to stay at College of Charleston for a semester". And there are just so many lies. And frankly, as much as I love him I can't trust him. Do you blame me? I see now why this all had to happen. I see now that it was the best for him in the long run and maybe best for me. Because being single and being forced to be alone has been a purge. I've lost 20 pounds, I'm starting to understand myself more, I'm starting to do the things I like without having to worry about taking care of someone else. But still...I would be lying if I said I didn't miss being with him. I would be a total liar if I said that I didn't think about him everyday. I would be making shit up if I said I don't still imagine him in the other room playing on his computer. But I guess today I got a wild hair up my ass and decided to take charge of my life. I've been feeling really good lately. REALLY good about myself. Thinking that I can stand on my own two feet without him in my life. I guess I wanted to explore that possibility of life without him. So I told him that we should never speak again. I made him get on webcam and tell me goodbye. And I guess...I have this thought process that....he'll come after me. That's all I want. I don't ask for much. I'm a pretty easy to handle girlfriend. I don't require money or diamonds or flowers. What I DO require: noms (foods), stuffed animals, huggles and kissies, and for when we fight for him to come after me. Sometimes that's all a girl wants. In fact...this could be a break through on all couple fights. If a girl storms off and says "I hate you and I never want to see you again" she's probably lying. What she wants you to do is run after her and say "I know you hate me but I love you and I want to see you all the time". Like you know...in movies. That's kinda how we women want things. We want to throw a hissy fit because we want you to know we're upset but we want you to come charging after us on your valiant steed to win us back. Some women require presents to gain access back into her life. I don't. I just want you to tell me that you need me and that you don't want to lose me. Well Jude has never been good at this and he never does this when I want him to. I've discussed this with him and he doesn't seem to understand it. I'm always the one that has to initiate cuddles after fights. So I guess this was one of those things. "I'm leaving forever, goodbye", "No Katie, I don't want to lose you". Instead I get "Fine. Go away Katie." Which made me want to die. So I got off of MSN and sat there in the library for four hours holding back tears unable to move. He didn't come after me. He didn't email me or call me. He didn't message me. He didn't do anything. He was just content with losing me. In fact I later found out that he went to sleep. Of course I didn't get ANY homework done. Didn't study for my test. Didn't do my French homework. I wandered around town until I decided it was too late and I needed to go home. I didn't study for my test when I got home. Instead I just sat around doing my French journal until midnight which I later found out wasn't due tomorrow. So I'm not prepared for my biology test and I'm depressed. Of course...I was the one that called Jude. We talked things over and now we're back to him playing games with my head. *sighs*
I feel very unstable in all my relationships lately. Every one of my friends, my family members, I feel like they're all disappearing. I feel like I'm going to lose every one of them. And I'm scared. This is all I'm going to write for today. I will speak to everyone soon.
End Day Twenty-Four
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