Day Twenty-One: Friendship

Today has been spent mostly depressed. Lying around in my bed, whining to myself, listening to Justin Bieber and feeling sorry for myself. No. Surprisingly this is not the wedding hangover I was talking about. The wedding hangover was taken over today by yet another awkward, "I don't know what to do about us" conversation with my best friend. Well look. I have one guy best friend in the entire world. A great deal of my friends are guys but for some reason I only have one guy best friend whereas I have like four girl best friends. That's just the way it works. I'm not going to mention this person's name because it's not fair. But I have to write about this because it pretty much destroyed my whole day.
This person and I have the kind of relationship that most people don't have. Or maybe it's not most people. Maybe most people DO have these kinds of relationships it's just the people around me don't. I am not ashamed to talk about it, most of my friends are online friends. Now...that sounds like a huge loser thing to say until you realize that some of these people I've actually connected with in real life. So I mean...basically the way I view it the Internet is like a giant database of people and you can find people that really click with you. It's not just for dating people! You can find true friends online. I've always taken to the world wide web to find friends. I don't know what it is about my character but there is a severe shortage of people where I live that actually get along with me. I don't understand this phenomena because I'm actually a really nice person. I get along with everyone. I smile, I laugh, I make jokes I try to make people as comfortable as possible, and everyone HATES me. I have a few people that are like..my soul people. My best friends in real life that somehow...through the grace of Jesus...came into my life and they're never going to leave because I won't let them. They're waaaayy too invaluable to me. Let me take this opportunity to shout out to those people right now...Ashley, Nicole, Delilah, Cassi, Ashlee, Lanie and Jude...my loves...I love you more than life. Where would I be without you? 20 years on this planet and I've only been able to find 7 people that I really REALLY relate to and am completely comfortable with. That's pretty good I guess? Right? Seven? Ashley not only understands me completely but she MADE me who I am. There's a reason why our personalities are so similar. We LIVED together for like....two summers and two school years lol. Nicole is the kind of best friend that being with is completely effortless. We like the EXACT SAME THINGS. I mean that's crazy!! To NOT be able to find one thing that you don't like together? And even if you find that one thing that they don't like too much...they start to like it because you like it. That's me and Nicole. We can have the best time just driving around town wasting gas and eating Sonic. Delilah is another one of those people that completely get me. We both have the exact same sense of humor and when I talk to her I can't stop laughing. She makes me blissfully happy which is something that most people cannot achieve. To an ordinary person, Delilah and I probably aren't funny. But she can just say the most benign thing and it cracks me up. She totally gets my fixation with food, I'm even writing a comic based on our personalities. She has always been able to relate to me with family stuff and I just...I can't replace her ever. She is one of the dearest people to me. Cassi thinks I'm so funny. She completely understands my sense of humor and even though we see each other very little...when we get together it was as if we saw each other everyday for the past year. She thinks everything I do is cool which is rare. I think she's the ONLY person that thinks I'm cool lol. Like the other day she put one of those "Tag Your Friends" pictures up. Hers was of Sanrio characters. She put as the caption "Tag Yourself as Whoever You Are" and I went to tag myself as Hello Kitty and she had already done it. See? She KNOWS me. lol. Typing the title to this entry "Friendship" made me crack up laughing because I just remembered a Tea Gardner inside joke Cassi and I used to have in high school. Ashlee, I can completely be myself around. I know Ashlee is not going to judge me and she's not going to say anything mean to me. I don't understand all the games she plays but she is the ONLY person that can talk to me about Pokemon and I won't fall asleep. She makes things interesting and she's quite quiet and reserved like I am but we both have this explosive sense of humor. Lanie...is my little sister. So needless to say we have chemistry because we have the same genetics and we're practically the same person. As much as we are very different we're the same...if that makes sense. We're completely cut from the same cloth and I think if I were ever to pick someone who completely understands me down to my chromosomes..it would be Lanie. I can't understand how some siblings never talk to each other for years because I've been blessed with a good one. And no matter how much we might rip into each other, it's like...this unbreakable bond that can't ever be severed. We're totally the kind of sisters that would live in the same house together with our families and pets. That's just me and Lanie. And finally Jude. Jude is my heart's desire and that will never change. Betrayal is the name of the game here but he will always ALWAYS be one of my best friends. I can't ever replace him in my heart and even though he is far away from me now and there is a lot of blood and gore still between us that needs to be cleaned up...I would throw myself in front of a moving vehicle to save his life. Because I love him so dearly. That's my rant about my IRL friends and how much I love them. This entry is afterall titled "Friendship".
But as much as I love these guys I can't completely ignore the fact that I've made some of my best friends online. And even some of them have yet to meet me face to face but it will happen...because I made a connection to them. As I was saying before I starting bleeding all over this entry with my friendship mush..I've always turned to the internet to find friends. I frequently spy on people on the Facebook...which I think is called "creeping"...and I just can't believe some people. Some people literally have like...400 friends. And they HANG OUT WITH and maintain friendships with these people. And I just stare open-mouthed as these people like...take pictures with and party it up with all these people and then I start to feel inferior. I am QUITE satisfied with my 7 IRL friends. I love them and I would not trade them for 400 fucking alcohol buddies. But seriously, I start to question my friendship making skills. Like...for instance...Cassi (I'm not picking on you, Mel I'm just using you as an example)...went to college and made like a plethora of friends. Now there isn't anything wrong with that. I'm SO proud of her for doing that. But it makes me feel like a jerk because I haven't made one close friend in college yet. And when Ashley has like 9000 close friends and Jude's off gallivanting in Charleston doing GOD KNOWS WHAT...I feel like a dork. Sitting here BLOGGING like a nerd and cooking myself dinner. Does anyone want some dinner? Like seriously? I can cook you know. But I think I have a hard time making friends because....well...I'm a special person. I don't drink. I don't dance. I don't have any money. And I don't have a car. Those are all very superficial things but people are superficial. The thing about Ashley, Delilah and all them is that...they don't CARE if I don't have a car. They've gotten passed the whole "getting to know you" stage with me to the point where they're attached to me at the hip and it's like...they know I'm awesome so they could care less if I don't drink or dance. But it's the "getting to know you" stage that I'm at with everyone here. And I gotta be real...if you don't have a car...or a job...or money...and you don't drink...and you don't go clubbing....a first impression isn't going to go over very well. Because any "getting to know you" activity is going to cost money and if I don't have money then we can't go do it. I mean...I think it's inappropriate to invite someone you don't know over to your place to watch a movie on the basis that "you're broke". That's not a very attractive thing. So I have failed to make a really close friend at college. I am getting pretty close to it with my buddy Cody though. He's the first friend that actually WANTS to be with me that I've met a UL! *SQUEALS* And he's prefect because I'm always depressed and suicidal and the remedy for any depressed and suicidal woman is a Sassy Gay Friend. He completely makes sense of my life. He's my fabulous voice of reason. Like at 3 AM when I want to eat the brownie in my fridge Cody's voice pops into my head "No girl that's going straight to your ass" and I'm like "DAMMIT CODY! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING!" He's kind of like my conscience sitting on my shoulder.
There I go again ranting...*sighs* I wish I would just get to the point sometimes. ANYWAY...I meet people on the internet to fill the void of my non-existent social life. My soul sisters live like..hours away from me and we can't be together all the time. Hence why Mr. Television and Mr. Refrigerator and Mr. Macbook keep me company into the wee hours of the morning....that sounded dirty. Back to talking about this person that I mentioned in the beginning of the post. I made this friend...and the bad thing about meeting people online is that...there is always space between you. It's not as if you're going to have a good shot at meeting someone that lives in your neighborhood unless you join like Zoosk or something (which is very sketchy) and search for people in your neighborhood (which is the definition of "creeping"). Well in this person's case...there's a huge space between us....like...a continental difference. This person lives in India. I live in America. That's NOT a nice little road trip across country. You're looking at a 12 hour time difference and like a thousands of dollars plane ticket. We met about a year ago but our relationship wasn't really cultivated until this summer. He was there for me in the darkest time of my life. Literally when I thought that I could not live anymore, this person was my life for me. He doesn't understand that I don't think. And here's where the Internet is awesome...this person and I made an amazing connection. If you look under all the cultural differences, this person and I get along fabulously. He is the right amount of interesting and the right amount of smart and the right about of laughter and the most gentle person I've met. Not to mention he's a looker but we'll put that aside. It's painful...having to be away from this person. I've never had to deal with this before...at least not in an online friendship. I've had online relationships that have led to in real life relationships and that was tough but I've never had this problem with just friends. NEEDING to be with that person. It doesn't help that I love this person. A lot. I guess it's normal to fall in love with someone who looks like a Disney Prince and has been your moral support for a long time. How can a girl not fall in love? And I guess because I have a lot of experience with being able to love someone over long distances, but this person does not. And he doesn't comprehend the feelings that we make each other feel and he doesn't want to have to deal with it and that's completely fair. Lord knows becoming a mad scientist is hard work...well genetic engineer thingy? Am I saying this right? He watches my blog so I'm SURE he'll correct me. But I've been smothering him. And I seem to do this a lot when I love people. I can't help it I'm just clingy. I try and try and try again to be that level-headed cool girl that doesn't get emotionally attached...but what the hell! I am! I get emotionally attached to the moth that was crawling on my window for two days and eventually died last night. Woe is me! And I've been making him frustrated. Or at least tired. And I'm scared I'm going to lose him and I don't think I could handle that. Even if all he ever was, was my friend....that would be good enough. He asked me that question the other day, "Would just friends be good enough?" And I answered no. Because I'm a stubborn piece of crap. And that's what set off the argument. But the truth is...yeah it's ok. Because I'd rather have him in my life than not at all. Truth is...I love him too much to put this pressure on him anymore. Truth is I know I'm wrong and I'm sorry. It's my fault. I'm grateful...that he's my friend. I'm grateful...that he's in my life. And I'm sorry. I really am. For being a turd and smothering you.
I guess the lesson here is that sometimes friendships are better than love. Love is just one of those things that sometimes hurts. Actually it hurts all the time in my case. Anyway that's my rant on friendship. I hope everyone enjoys.

End Day Twenty-One