Day Twenty-Eight: Used

So now I will continue the account of this weekend. I will also not be posting this entry on Facebook for the sake of privacy. So come Saturday morning I figured everything would be a lot better. I figured that they'd be rested enough that they wouldn't be so sluggish and we could have a good time. But I'm telling you...it seemed to just get worse. I was feeling exceptionally excluded that day and they were really working it. They must have been REALLY trying exceptionally hard to make me feel like I didn't belong. First of all my sister made me ride around in the backseat all day which she knows makes me sick. I get horrible car sickness especially in my dad's car. And Lanie knows this. But she didn't offer me the front seat. It's like, "Is it not enough that you stole my car from me and get to drive that around town all the time...now you're going to chop my balls off even more and make me sit in the backseat? I mean...c'mon! At least let me sit in the front seat because I get sick! She gets to ride with him in the front seat on the way to Lafayette and back!" So that was her first tactic of isolating me from my father. They sat in the front seat the whole weekend together cutting up and laughing and not allowing me to be a part of the conversation. And my sister has this horrible habit of whenever I open my mouth to talk...her brain immediately dismisses it as noise. Either that or she immediately decides that what I'm talking about is really stupid and I need not finish my sentence. Every time...and I swear to dear sweet Jesus EVERY TIME I tried to speak to my father or to both of them...she would cut me off. Like I wasn't even talking. Either she would start a whole new topic or get the gist of what I was trying to say and then blurt it out in her own words. I felt like the entire time I was with them I was fighting to be heard. The WHOLE time. So on top of being horribly car sick I just wanted to cry. I actually did. I sat in the backseat CRYING and they didn't even notice because they were so wrapped up in each other. And this is taking the whole...interrupting me thing even further...this is the most degrading and demoralizing thing that my sister does to me. Actually...I hate it when ANYONE does it. It's horrible. When someone does this I want to take my fist and literally plant it in their nose. When I'm trying to tell a story...or I'm trying to make a point...like...talking directly to my father or talking to both of them...and Lanie just starts talking under her breath to my dad...and my dad completely abandons ship on what I'm saying and starts talking to Lanie. And then when I stop talking they both look at me and say "I'm sorry, Katie. Go ahead." And so I start the story back up again...and then they do it AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! And after the 8th time of this happening it's like "ARE YOU REALLY FUCKING SORRY THAT YOU'RE DOING THIS BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU ARE! YOU ARE SO RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL I FEEL LIKE WALKING OUT OF THIS RESTAURANT BUT NOT BEFORE GIVING YOU A BLACK EYE!" It's so humiliating because OBVIOUSLY they don't care about what you're saying so...it's like why are you even talking? And you end up kinda talking to yourself. So many people do this....and it's even more embarrassing when you're with a group of friends and one friends starts doing that. But my SISTER is like FAMOUS for that. She loves to do that to me. That's her favorite thing to do. So that was hurting my feelings that I was clearly being excluded and ignored the whole time they were here. It's like...wow I'm glad you guy included me in your little road trip together. Why don't you just forget you have a family member in this city and just enjoy each others' company eh?? We ran a couple of errands that day and everything was going fine until the Academy trip.
I wanted to get like...three pairs of work out shorts. Now...I had NO idea my father doesn't support Nike. And OF COURSE the work out shorts that I like the best are Nike brand. I don't even shop by brand. I just happened to stumble on these kinds of shorts and they looked nice and felt nice and they were nice colors and they fit me well. So I started looking through all the shorts and I happened to find the same brand that my other shorts were so I started looking through the colors I didn't have. It wasn't like I was like "Oooh, I'm so pompous..I only buy Nike because Nike is expensive and makes a statement." It was like "Oh, the other shorts I own are just like these. I like those shorts. Maybe I'll like these too." Basically sticking to what I was familiar with. Well I found my dad and I showed him what I wanted to get and he BLEW HIS GASKET at me in the middle of Academy. It was one of the most...bewildering, scary, upsetting moments I've had in a long time. He just flipped. Like people around us were staring. And I know it's because he just lost his job...and I know it's because he's under a lot of stress...but after that I just wanted to throw up and go cry somewhere. My father can be a real monster when he wants to be. He has been my whole childhood. He'll play the friend card for months or weeks and then all of a sudden I'll say or do one thing that sets him off..usually something that I don't even realize is happening...and he'll just completely......I can't even describe it. Most people don't even know what it's like to have someone demoralize them. Believe me....it's horrible. I've had it done to me my whole life. And that's not healthy. He just started fussing at me about how horrible Nike was and how I'm such a brat because all I care about are fashion statements and how he has no money and how I want everything and I'm such a stupid bitch and even if I tried to defend myself it was like "I don't want to hear your shit". I don't even think he knows what comes out of his mouth because I had a conversation about it with him today (Sunday) over the phone and he literally does not recall half of the things he said to me. He accuses me of being full of hate and anger and tells me "If you don't know me by now...". I feel like saying "Obviously you don't know ME because you just accused ME of being high maintenance and having to make a fashion statement when you have like Paris Hilton as a youngest daughter over there!" I have to say at this point my sister did support me. She came over and told me that dad was going insane and that this job thing was really starting to fuck with his mind and that it was going to be ok and she DID try to comfort me. So it's not like Lanie is inherently evil. She has her good side. But I couldn't be consoled. My dad just walked away from me. Threw his hands up and told me to go to hell in front of like everyone in Academy for NO reason. Like...because I picked up a pair of shorts. I had NO idea that he was going to go off the deep end about something as stupid as a name brand. I didn't even KNOW the brand was Nike. I was just like "oooh. Shorts." Because I don't care about shit like that. Well then he comes back like nothing ever happened and buys me the shorts but I'm like "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON?" Like at this point I just wanted to take a gun and put it to my head because I felt like I was taking crazy pills. We drove around downtown for a bit after that and I felt like I was going to throw up. My dad circled downtown about 18 times and by the time we decided to go back to the apartment I was totally going to hurl.
We went upstairs and immediately, my family takes control of my computer. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people take my computer and use it without asking or really....I don't like it at all. It's like...one of my sacred things. Most of my life is spent on this computer and it's like they're taking MY life and screwing with it. So dad is like "Katie, help your sister apply for UL and Fall Preview Day online." That's another thing. Lanie is coming to my university next year. And while the naive part of me is like "yippie skippy my sister's coming to college with me", the rational Katie is like "Omg...no." It's like....this is my SAFE HAVEN. College is my safe haven and now once again she's going to come and steal something from me and make it horrible. I feel like literally....no...I AM crying right now thinking about it. I can NEVER EVER have anything sacred in my life. My ENTIRE LIFE my sister has taken EVERYTHING from me and copied everything from me and taken credit. Her goal in life is to ruin mine and take control over my life. Just me. Not anyone else's. If we GAVE her someone else's life to ruin she would still try to ruin mine. When she was 6 years old she told me "My goal in life is to ruin your life". At SIX she was capable of that kind of hate. Now you tell me what YOU think of that. But you know...I'm not going to say no to my father after the scene in Academy..so I pull up the application and at first she was doing it herself and I was supervising.
Now...keep in mind that Lanie is 17 years old. She is WELL capable of doing things for herself. At the age of 17 I filled out ALL of my forms and applications for myself. I had my parents mail everything in for me but I filled everything out. I didn't even require any help. SO why does LANIE require special help? So she piles in my bed with me and starts filling out the app herself and my father comes and sits on the bed with us and is watching TV. Well Lanie gets tired of doing the application halfway in and I start doing it for her. Well before you know it....I'M filling out both Lanie's college application AND her preview day application while her and my father cut up and joke and hit each other and are like...wrestling each other on my bed while I'm filling out Lanie's application for college. Um. Does anybody see anything WRONG with this? LANIE is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD. She is applying for COLLEGE. And her OLDER SISTER is FILLING OUT her COLLEGE application FOR her. And she's not even helping! She's having a tickle fight with my dad! And my dad is completely condoning the situation. He's letting me do it for her and when I would make comments like "Hey! I'm filling this out for you.....this is your application...come do it" they BOTH start making fun of me. They both start cackling at me and making fun of me and just let me do the whole thing. That makes me want to throw up that I filled out her college application for her. This goes back to the "No More Miss Nice Girl" entry. DOING things for people who treat me like shit. So I told her "I'm not helping you out with any more stuff like this." And she was like "No but I need you!" And I felt like saying "WELL WHY DO YOU TREAT ME LIKE SUCH SHIT YOU LITTLE BITCH!" I am so disgusted with myself that I did that application for her. It's like...I almost wish she doesn't get in because she can't do ANYTHING for herself. Why should she be admitted to this university if she cant' even fill out the application for herself? I bet she won't even last a semester in college. That's MY bet. But I'm sticking by my guns on this one. From now on she has to figure out everything for herself. She can go fuck herself. I had to figure out EVERYTHING for myself in life. You think my parents helped me figure out high school? No. I did it myself. I went to high school and I did everything on my own. There was NO ONE to guide me. Lanie has always had a guide in me her WHOLE life so she's never had to think for herself. And she copies everything that I do because I'm brilliant and she's a dumb fuck and she takes credit for everything that I teach her. That child literally breathes right now because I was there for her her whole fucking life and basically socialized her. You think my parents would socialize her? No. I taught her everything she freaking knows. The only two things I didn't teach her was how to drive and how to hostess at a restaurant. Woppty freaking do.
The rest of the night Lanie continued to monopolize the visit...I barely bonded with my dad at all. I barely even spoke to HER because the whole time she was running her mouth to my dad. I swear....just....when they left I felt like I had a ton of bricks lifted off my shoulders. Not to mention...the last place we went to was Maggie Moo's ice cream. I was so upset I couldn't even enjoy that. My friend Cassi called me up around that time and told me her and her boyfriend were in town and wanted to hang out with me. So I was HAPPY to see them.
I guess their visit kind of wore me out too though. They ended up spending the night at my place and I didn't really get a chance to actually talk to Cassi and see her because her boyfriend was all over her the ENTIRE time and would not let go even when she asked him to stop. And I was really uncomfortable with the constant groping and fondling they seem to like to do in front of people. I was very embarrassed and humiliated. Not to mention he requires CONSTANT attention by everyone in the vicinity. This weekend was just...a humongous disappointment. I was looking SO forward to everything and when I really think about it...it just sucked. And I am so ready to just...be through with everything right now. I don't even know what I want right now. Maybe...getting back on a schedule this week will be the best medicine. Will blog about today in the next entry.
Today's picture is a picture of me and Lanie at Walmart. It was one of the only funny moments I had this weekend. So I thought it was worth posting. I look like a complete monster in that picture. Like..not even a human being. That's not even what I look like.
End Day Twenty-Eight