As any woman who lives to watch blushing brides try on dresses and plan their hopefully once in a lifetime shindigs on the tube knows, Friday is Wedding Friday on TLC Network. You might also know that Sunday is Wedding Sunday on WE TV but for those of you that don't get obscure channels like Women's Entertainment on your television, you'll probably know of Wedding Fridays. This is when TLC airs the very entertaining television programs, "Say Yes to the Dress", "Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta (the SOUTHERN version of the original Say Yes to the Dress which is filmed in New York), and "Four Weddings". The latter being my absolute favorite. I guess I've always dreamed of getting married. Until I decided I hate men. Now I just want a big ol' party and dress up like Marie Antoinette and get photos taken with me and my girls. But there's still a piece of me....an itty bitty tiny piece of me that maybe still believes there's a man out there for me. I mean the chances are slim. Mostly because the vast majority of men out there either A) don't see the beauty in chub. B) Lie C) Lie D) Are fucking LYING assholes or E) Lie. So the pickin's are slim. For instance, the only male I've been with for a very extended period of time I had to special order out of state because the men in Lafayette, Louisiana do not appeal to me. While some women find men with snaggle tooths, souped up trucks, wearing camo, driving around with deer and bass decals on their tinted windows attractive...I lean to the more intellectual crowd. And I have YET to find a man in this city that actually wants to have an intellectual discussion about something other than "Ah shot dat dere deer yesta-day" or how he LOVES to DRINK and to PARTY at the KEG and go CLUBBIN with his BUDDIES and consume mass quantities of ALCOHOL and have NO IMMEDIATE PLANS to grow the FUCK up. But despite the lack of selection in my current environment, the delusional girl dreams on. Friday nights consist of me sketching my bridesmaids gowns in my notebook, secretly planning whether or not I want a brass band or a rock band at my reception. Don't judge, you do it. If you're a girl you totally think about it. Maybe you don't have a problem like I do...but seriously...I know you think about it. Unless you're one of those... hipster girls that wear retro clothes and nerd glasses, have boy haircuts and refuse to show that you have emotions. In that case...please don't talk to me. Thanks. People with a lack of emotion frighten me badly.
I'm confessing this to you now...when Friday and Sunday roll around...I am glued to the television all day and night. The moment that class is dismissed Friday at 12:50, my ass is hauling back to my apartment so I can get in on the action. Now I have to say, I'll never be a bridezilla. And if that oh-so-unlikely male shows up that is able to con me into a forever-long commitment to him, and I DO start pitching a hissy fit over cake toppers, throw me in Lake Ponch. For REALZ. Let the pollution and catfish deal with me. Honestly, I am not so anal retentive that I would get THAT bent out of shape because some bridesmaid didn't bring their shoes to the fucking wedding. That's stupid.
But on Friday nights I let myself be bad. I mean school is painful enough, I guess I'll give myself a prize and let myself lie in bed from 12:30 til 2 in the morning watching people get married. But like they say, "You can have too much of a good thing", yeah....I kinda get a wedding hangover after that. Around 11 I start to get depressed that I'm fat and single and all my internet friends aren't online because they're out having REAL LIVES meeting real boys while I'm fucking hung up on Dr. Airhead from four months ago blowing up his Facebook wondering where he is and which girl he's fucking and not telling me. Wedding shows get me DEPRESSED. But I'm addicted. I can't stop. You'd think I'd learn my fucking lesson but NO. There I am like a fucking crack whore switching channels Saturday morning wondering "WHY ARE THERE NO WEDDING SHOWS?" and refusing to eat and lying in bed nursing my wedding hangover. And then around midnight Saturday night the wedding hangover starts to fade and I'm prepared for WE TV's wedding Sunday. That's my sick cycle that plays over and over again. Seriously, even when I have friends over on the weekends, I'm flipping those channels looking for those freaking shows.
I THINK SOMEONE SHOULD JUST MARRY ME SO THAT THIS SICK ADDICTION WILL END. Because you know after you have yours it's like done. You can't do it anymore. And just watching younger people get married after that is depressing because it's like "Fucking hell I should have done the white chocolate water fall. WHY THE FUCKING HELL DID I NOT DO THE WHITE CHOCOLATE WATER FALL!? HONEY! FUCKING BUY ME A WHITE CHOCOLATE WATERFALL TO COMPENSATE FOR THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE WITH YOU AND I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING WHITE CHOCOLATE WATERFALL AT OUR FUCKING WEDDING."
I think the other appeal of watching wedding shows is watching the people that the dear good Lord lets be together. Like seriously. Some of these people. Bridezillas is my favorite for this type of humor. They had this bitch on there...oh my good Lord this episode HAD to be staged. God doesn't CREATE people as horrible as this bitch. I mean....no. I can't even start to explain it. First of all she looked like she had just undergone a serious amount of oral surgery. Her mouth kind of pooched out from the rest of her face and her eyes kinda rolled around in her head like some kind of cracked out toad and she had rabbit teeth and she talked like she had marshmallows packed into her cheeks. That would explain why her face was so puffy. She would go around throwing threats at people like "I'm going to slit your throat", "I'm going to fucking punch you in the face"...and as the story peeled out..I realized something horrifying...this bitch wasn't a BRIDEzilla...she was a LIFEzilla. This freaking whore is LIKE THIS all the fucking time. And then you're like "Oh dear me I feel so bad for the poor guy that has to marry her..." and then you meet the fiance and it's like "Ohhhhh.....God DOES make someone for EVERYONE." This dude not only looked like he belonged with her...he was the biggest low class asshole that ever walked the planet. So by the end of the episode I was in TEARS because the Asshole Family has just be united in Holy matrimony. Thank God they got those turds off the street sweeping up all the good mates. If that asshole man or woman had been with anyone that was actually nice and had a soul I would set someone on fire. So Bridezillas is my show that strokes my ego. When I think "Oh there isn't anyone out there for me" I think "Oh shit there HAS to be someone out there for me if this ass gets a husband!"
Anyway that's all I got for ya. Today's Friday so you know what I'm doing. Let the Wedding hangover begin!
Oh and by the way, the pictures are of what I secretly wish was socially acceptable in this country. Because I kinda want this to happen at my wedding. I know...I have a disorder.
End Day 20
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