Day Twelve: The Troll and the Long Ass Wait

Hey guys. I'm going to use this opportunity to blog since I'm sitting around doing nothing. I want to apologize for yesterday's entry. So sorry it was so short. I really REALLY wasn't feeling well. I could barely sit up enough to type just that little bit. Strangely enough, I feel fine today...physically. Last night I felt as if I was going to die in my sleep and now today I feel pretty ok. I really REALLY need to go to the doctor and see about those "Palpitation attacks". I don't want to call them panic attacks because it's weird...I don't feel panicked or nervous about anything when they happen. They just happen. Usually brought on by physical strain. Like yesterday for some reason I was especially tired walking around campus and the walk home was just...it just pushed me over the top. Mondays and Wednesdays are always so strenuous like that because I'm walking non-stop. The only time I am sitting is for a brief moments in class. The rest of the day I am just walking everywhere in the hot son and I think I truly get dehydrated! I bring a HUGE bottle of water with me to school everyday and I drink all of it! I even put half a pack of Crystal Light fitness mix in there to give it some vitamins and electrolytes. And STILL I get dehydrated. I can't bring a gallon of water to school everyday! And often times I will refill my bottle of water at the school and I will drink it even though I don't like the taste. Lafayette water is chemically treated because it's a city. I grew up five minutes away from Abita Springs, Louisiana which is the natural spring in Louisiana that makes bottled water. So we actually have Abita bottled water running through our taps at my parents' house because it's so close to the spring. It doesn't have to be filtered much so I am very used to naturally clean water which has a very nice taste to me. However, everyone of my friends that comes from the city thinks MY water tastes weird. So I don't know. Maybe I just love it because I grew up on it. And now that my parents are divorced my dad lives in our childhood home and my mom has moved INTO Abita Springs. So she gets the spring water too. So Lafayette water kind of makes me gag a little. And the water at the university even tastes worse for some reason! But still! I am SO thirsty throughout the day that I will even drink the school water. So maybe I'm getting these heart palpitations because I'm dehydrated..maybe it's because of my medication I take, or maybe it's because I'm having panic attacks. Either way I need to see a doctor because my heartbeat is irregular ALL the time now and that's a cause for alarm.
Today was not such a good day emotionally though. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face because today is the day that my friend Wil is coming to stay with me for a few days. I got up at 6 AM for my biology lab and took a shower, and every morning I check my e-mail, my Facebook, and my YouTube account for comments. Some of you may know that I am an avid vlogger. So I checked my comments and low and behold there's a comment from a person named "nigswhisper" telling me I should stop showing my face on YouTube. Now...nigswhisper is an insignificant little turd. I wouldn't wipe my dirty asshole with him because that's how LOW he is. But nigswhisper has friends. You see on YouTube there are internet trolls. And the community that I identify with on YouTube has fallen under particular scrutiny of these trolls because what we do for some reason is "weird and unnatural" to them. Let me just put it to you this way....we whisper. Some people find whispering freaky and that's fair I guess. But a LOT of people (way more than we thought) really are soothed and relaxed by people whispering. The group was founded by a lady named WhisperingLife who is British and awesome and now we are...last time I checked...250 whisperers strong. And that's just the WHISPERERS. Our listeners have almost hit 1000 people and we're becoming quite viral. More and more people are finding out about us and we're getting a lot more attention. Some of that is quite positive. Some of it is quite negative. Whispering is probably the most benign thing in the world. It's gentle, it's peaceful, it's not threatening and everyone in the community is a complete sweetheart. Most whisperers make relaxation videos, but mostly people use their channel as a blog. And people listen to our blogs for relaxation purposes and in turn get to know us a little. I joined the whispering community almost a year ago. I made my very first video January 2010. Somehow in that time I have become one of the...bigger more popular whisperers. I only think it's because I've been there for awhile...anyone who's been in the community for almost a year has a big fan base. I have a pretty big fan base. Not as many as some people but I'm pretty far up there. I get pretty many comments, a lot of views, YouTube has asked me to become a partner because my channel hits are so immense. (I turned them down...I don't need longer than 15 minute videos) But of course with the territory there comes the negative things. Like trolls. The more attention you get the more likely you are to attract haters. Probably about a month and half ago I got my first hate message. I did what I thought I would and pretty much told them to get a life. Which worked. I got about....10 more hate messages after that, none of them from the same person. Some of them weren't THAT bad. One was from another newer whisperer telling me I had the worst whisper and that I needed to stop making videos and I told him that he was a rookie and his voice sounded like he was choking on a bird and his mic quality was horrible and I told him to get a few more hundred subscribers and better videos and THEN come talk to me. And he never replied. So I had been receiving that kind of stuff for about a month. Now a little background on me. I used to have such a bad self esteem that I didn't open my mouth to speak until I was in the 3rd grade. I talked to my family members, to my closest friends, but I never spoke in front of more than two people until I was in the 3rd grade. My parents brought me to see a child psychiatrist when I was about that age and Dr. Allison told me that I had something very wrong with me and I needed to see her for further counseling. My parents never took me back. I struggled my whole life with self esteem. I was severely bullied as a child for my weight issues and countless other things. Eventually when I went to high school the bullying stopped but I was emotionally scarred for life. When I was in 10th grade, 16 years old I tried to commit suicide. And failed. I then told my parents that I needed to talk to someone and they didn't hesitate. I started talking to a counselor 3 times a week to get my self-esteem up. And it worked...for a little while..and then my parents made me go to work. I got a part-time job as an office tech at a film company and they made me stop going to my psychiatrist. I think the reason I decided to become a psychiatrist is because I'm trying to fill that void that was taken away from me. I'm trying to do for others what never got done for me. But that's just my analytical mind creeping up on me. Bottom line is...I struggle. Everyday with self esteem issues. I look in the mirror everyday and I cry because I think I am so ugly. I used to starve myself for three day periods until I couldn't take it anymore and I had to eat something. I used to and still sometimes when the going gets rough, self harm. Sometimes I don't sleep because I lie awake crying until I pass out. These confessions I'm not afraid to tell you. I've done these things everyday since I was 12 years of age. I think...it is a driving force behind why my ex-boyfriend left me. Over the years it's gotten a lot better. Going into my 21st year of life, I have a better grip on myself. And studying psychology has helped me better understand myself and the people around me, which is key in reaching my ultimate goal: to become a certified psychiatrist. The whisper community has made me feel...so good about myself. When I make videos and people compliment me and tell me I've done a good job and I feel like I am helping people and I am making friends...I feel like my life has some kind of meaning and purpose. And it's just become so sacred to me. And I guess ever since a month ago, these people have been coming on my channel and pretty much slowly counteracting that. When it first started happening I was able to smile at it and shake my head but then after so many different people hating on me...I just got beat down. And today was the last straw. "Nigswhisper", like I said is insignificant. But he is different mind you. He was the first one with enough guts to post his hate as a comment instead as a private message. Maybe I egged him on a bit. This would be attributed to the fact that it was 6:30 AM and I was very tired and very vulnerable and weak. He commented "Stop showing your face," which I could tell was a hate comment. I was so exasperated I told him "Fine, I'll do better. I'll fucking close my channel." To me, his comment was the last straw. I didn't expect him to come back at me with such forceful hate. "You won't be missed. Your voice is horrible and you're disgusting. Leave it up to the people who know what they're doing. Just pause your video at any point and time! So fucking ugly."
And that just did it. That was it. Say my whispers suck I don't care. Talk about my face and you just hit a spot that I can't mentally handle. Look, I know I'm ugly. You don't need a textbook or a college degree to see that I have an ugly mug. I'm aware of all my flaws. My forehead's too tall, my nose is too wide, my eyes are too small, my chin has multiplied and juts out from my face, my mouth is wide and gaping, my head is square shaped, I have pitiful ugly thin hair, I am 50 pounds overweight, I have huge ugly breasts, I have fat flabby arms, and I laugh like hillbilly. I KNOW. Don't you think I have looked at myself in the mirror everyday of my life since the day I could even recognize my reflection?? Don't you think I KNOW when I walk into a store and there are no clothes that fit me?? Don't you think I've had enough of these verbal jabs??? I KNOW ALREADY! I know I'm like Quasimoto I don't need to be reminded.
That's when I decided to close my channel. I don't...want to put myself out there anymore. I have made SO many long lasting friends in that community. People that I will probably go on to meet in real life and be friends with them forever. Swisswhispers, MissVindicat, DanishVlog, WhisperSister, DeploymentDiary, DirtyDee251, Totalrod2, WhisperTonic, ButterflyHyJynx, SnarkyWhispers, TheWhisperingvoice and oh my God there are so many....I love you guys from the bottom of my heart. I use their usernames because that's how we identify each other on the community. This community has brought me to people that I never thought I would find. And if you guys want I WILL come find you and we WILL hang out. It's not an option for me. I love you guys too much to never speak to you again. And honestly...if I do decide to stay you will be the driving force behind why I do stay. Because I don't want to lose you. I know at least two of you read this blog....three actually...and if I do stay it's because of you. But right now I am too emotionally beat down to keep going. And I don't feel like I should stay now that I made it public on the Whispering Facebook page that I'm not coming back. Which was rash..but again...6:30 in the morning and I'm not thinking clearly. I literally cried all the way to school and all the way back. Just sobbed...yes while I was walking on the side of the road I was bawling my eyes out. This has been such a long time coming and I am SO grateful for the ones that did come to my defense on YouTube today and I know that a few more are contemplating their attack. For the whisperers that are reading, be forwarned, nigswhispers is a troll posing as a whisperer. Do not sub him otherwise he'll target you. Anyway...that's what happened with my YouTube account. It doesn't surprise me that a lot of whisperers that have been around for awhile are resigning and stopping making videos. Some do it for other reasons but one really REALLY famous whisperer, WanderingWhisper (who was like in the Holy Trinity of whisperers) resigned and never came back because she was getting so many trolls. She was so beautiful too and a good friend of mine. I miss her very much. We'll have to see what happens. Maybe in the next week I'll make another video explaining what happened and what I am going to do if I feel up to it. I'm still waiting on my new iPhone to come in so we'll see.
In other more positive news...tonight Wil is coming in town! I know I already said that but it's only 3 more hours!!! I'm literally dying right now but I am actually pretty calm. I guess I got all the bad feeling out today crying over my whisper channel. Tomorrow I am skipping French so that I can sleep in since I had to stay up and wait for him to come in. But I will go to my 12:00 class. Noon isn't so bad. I guess he and I will just hang out around the house tomorrow and then Saturday we're going on a top secret mission that I can't mention in this blog because it involves one of my friends who is a reader. And they don't know about it yet....*waggles eyebrows*. So ya. Top secret mission. I guess I'll tell you about it on Saturday night when everything is said and done. I seem to be hypnotized by the streetlight changing outside my window. Like seriously I'm counting the seconds that it stays green and it's not that long. It doesn't seem that way when driving......anyway. I guess I suppose I should clean up a bit more and do some laundry and whatnot. Make myself look presentable. I took a two hour nap today to make the afternoon go by faster....it did. Haha! Ohhh please 3 hours go by faster!!
Picture is of an internet troll. Something what "nigswhisper" looks like I bet.